Like a Boss

I've mentioned before that my boss is pretty hot, so goes for some more of my officemates. Awhile ago, I had the pleasure of getting to know them even more - by this, without that much clothes on.

I thought I'd be alone in the communal shower. But there they were, 2 hotties - the hot gay guy and the hot boss. The hot gay guy's most distinctive feature are his eyebrows. If he doesn't smile, he looks stunning. There's something about his smile that's - bawas pogi points. My boss, on the other hand, is hot... but short. Sad.

I was shocked seeing them both - my boss, with just his white undies, while the gay guy just his boardshorts. They were gym fit, with the gay guy my type of 'fit' - lean and toned. I wasn't going to take off my clothes completely - I had no extra clothes after all. So I took off my shirt, went beside the gay guy, opened the shower - that didn't work, my shorts were getting wet. So I bent and opened the faucet and rinsed all the dirt off.

When I was done, so was the gay guy. We were both looking into the mirror. I tried so hard not to look into him and stare at his body. But I had to, at the best chance possible - when he was wiping his face with his towel. Damn. Hot. I'm hoping he was checking me out too. After all, I may have caught a few glimpses from him - maybe he can 'smell' me so to speak, since after all, not all gays who stare at guys lust over them. Right? Someone told me, so I know from the best. Haha!

I had fun with both of them, and the rest of the team. Wish there would be more. If the gay guy would be aggressive over me, I may just push back.

Not Fleeting

I thought this anger was just a feeling...

It started off with a certain dislike towards him - me not wanting him around - it suddenly turned to me, not wanting to see him smile, not receiving any texts, not engaging in any conversation.

It has come to the point that when I do see him, I'll just acknowledge his presence by a mere nod. And that's it.

I walk away. Not asking how his day was. How he is with work.

Nothing.

I thought this feeling would pass. But no, I truly dislike him.

Most certainly, upon confrontation - if he decides to finally ask if there's something wrong with us - I won't go around in circles.

I'll tell it to him flatout.

Josh. I'm bi. And I'm starting to like you, more than I should. I need to distance myself from you. You can still come over, if you really have to.

Then I'll just leave, speechless.

He'll get the picture.
The things I wouldn't say like - I need to distance myself from you... Because at any second, I might grab your neck and kiss you torridly. Your scent and every graze of your touch arouses me so much that I feel like I could leap out of my skin. You can still come over, if you really have to. But know that if you do, it's not my fault if I turn out to be your first kiss. I just can't resist.

Hai.

WHAT THE F

So, I just posted about how he's not coming over recently... When suddenly, my dog starts barking mad. I look out, and find his smiling face by our doorstep.

MOTHER F.

I just said. Mm.

And that's it. I walked right back to my room. Closed the door, not giving a care in the WORLD what he'll do.

WHAT THE F.

I want to scream right now, I swear.

Drifting Apart

Since last Thursday, I've had difficulty looking at Josh in the eye.

Because.

I hate him.

The reason is simple - I'm getting too over my head thinking he can be mine, when in fact, there's nothing there. I'm putting everything into my perspective of things. And I realized this when at our dinner, with friends, one of them blurted out a girl, I believe, he's dating. I was angry. So much so, that after that, I took one last look at him, then turned cold.

My craving for him just died, just like that. And turned to hate. To a degree, I believe, is too unbearable for him - because he obviously doesn't know what the heck is going on.

Like I mentioned before, he'd drop by our house. Eat. Use the internet. Then leave. But the day after that, he didn't. All the way til Monday. I was hoping he wouldn't drop by, but he did. My heart was pounding like crazy. I wanted to choke him, shout at him to leave. But I couldn't.

He came near my laptop, all smiles. Thinking, we're okay. All I did was raise both my eyebrows twice, a form of acknowledgement. And he just smiled... Our helper asked what food he can eat, because we had no rice left. I told her to look for anything available.

He ate outside, without me in conversation. My door was closed to the world.

He started using the internet by our living room. I came out of my room, looked at him, raised my eyebrows twice again. Went inside. Went to bed. Tried to sleep. But failed.

I was just so angry, I just thought about random things for 4 hours on my bed.

The day that followed, my mom had this padlock policy. Josh doesn't know about it. She told me to tell him. I didn't. He texted me, I looked at him. Put my phone back down. Then went back to what I was doing. He wanted to come over - I pretended I didn't receive his message.

So he didn't come. The morning I replied by saying a cold - Oo andito kami.

The next day, a Wednesday. He texted again. This time. I did not reply.

Afterwards. Nothing. It's like FINALLY he felt there's something wrong. That FINALLY, he has to think twice before texting me anything.

I was - and still am - cold as ice. I can be. And that's one thing people should be afraid of, with me. The moment I realize I don't value you enough, anymore. I'll shut you out. And you wouldn't even know why.

I'm waiting for him to confront me. But it seems that it might take a while longer of no replies.

Doesn't matter. He's pretty much dead to me.

Surprise!

When I started out in PR (Planet Romeo), it was for the sole purpose of getting to know about - the gay life. So to speak.
I got addicted. I logged in a lot more, curious about the different guys - especially after seeing 1 or 2 familiar faces every once in awhile. Also figured that, hey... There are quite a number of hot guys here.
But a familiar face, from church, came as a shock that I just confessed straight away that he was one reason I enjoyed going to church.
Eck.
Laid out all my cards just like that.
But to be honest, he is quite attractive. He reminds of Josh a lot. He resembles him, but is more better looking. And I hope he's not reading this, but if he does, I'd really like to go out with him.
I shared my photo. He was the first person who I shared my secret to. Somebody familiar, not some picture on PR, but somebody I see almost every time I go to church.
Whenever we'd pass by each other, he's just. Quiet. No hint of knowing me - and I to him.

So it came as a surprise, that today. I stepped out of my room, and saw him right there in our living room - with a bunch of other people, because of Church.

Damn.

My heart was racing. I was smiling most of the time because I couldn't believe how bizzare this all seems. But he's there. Again. No hint of knowing me - and I to him.

I came back to my room. Watched my show. Then blogged. Because I can't stop gushing over it.

Francisco Lachowski

I'm obsessing over Francisco Lachowski right now.
He is so damn fiiine.
He's my number one.

If there's somebody I want to be... Or somebody I want to be with... It's him. I swear. I'll rip off his clothes if I meet him in person.

He's just the perfect example of the features I like in a guy.

Go google him if you don't know him yet!

Next Door Josh

He's always in my house.
We eat together because he's got nothing back at his apartment.

I support him.

It's like a fantasy I've wanted. Him with me in a house, all to our selves. Where we can do anything we want.
Sometimes, I'd wish he'd just grab my hand. Like that time when we were at this mall. He was picking kitchenware for his crib. I accompanied him. We looked like a couple. He'd stand so close to me I could smell his sweet scent from his nape. Department store guys, obviously gay, would stare at us. Maybe in marvel at how we can be together. Everything made it seem as though we were an US.
When in fact, it's all an illusion.
He is handsome. There's no denying that. I look ok, but I am taller than him.
It made it SEEM. We SEEMED to be together. How I wish this illusion was true.
I'd stand so close, I'd reach out my hand, nearing his fingertips - which at times I mistakenly touch. I'd wish he'd just grab my hand. That's all I ask. Even for a brief moment, make people see, even for a little while.

When we eat, he'd wear this white shirt and jersey shorts. I could see almost through him. How nicely built he is. Not my type, but good enough. Sometimes, when he lifts his legs up, I'd see a portion of skin out in the open. I gaze at how toned his thighs are, even if he's a bit stocky. In fact, he's stocky, but quite toned. His arms too show leanness. His legs, his thighs - oh how I'd love to creep my hand all the way towards his crotch.

I could see myself drooling. And to avoid his glance, I'd just look back at the TV. Pretend as though I'm watching.

We'd sit by the living room. Him, transfixed on his laptop. I, on mine.
Even by the dimness of the light from his laptop, I could see how gorgeous his face is. His thick brow, that pointed nose and full lips. So mestizo that he is. He glows.

Me, wanting to extend my foot. Touch him bare.

All the while knowing I could never have him.

Such a burden to almost live with the one you want so much. I just want distance now. I just want to keep him away.

What's New

I'm at a new stage in my life, by this, I mean a new career.

It's different in a way because for my first job, I had a group I could say I belonged to. We would wait minutes for one another, just so that we'd be complete when we eat out. We're around 10 in that group, and we all connect very well. I was happy and content with the constant outpour of support. They were people I knew I can still hang out with even when I change companies.

True enough, they still gave me their support when I left for a new (and better) job - when it comes to compensation and benefits and company integrity. It has been awhile since we have all met. So I do miss them. Especially since I'm a lone new hire in my new job. It's different, because we did not go in batches. I have no group to call my barkada.

It was lonely at first. I sat quietly at my cubicle. Everyone was busy. There was no one for me to talk to. Which made it quite easy for me to watch people work. And watch people - because they're so freaking gorgeous. I am not kidding. Most girls and most guys there were hot. Mid 20's, but still. Even the bosses are hot at a ripe age of 30 or so.

There were 4 people that immediately jumped from the scene - aside from my hot boss of course - Miss Chinita - she's cute, she's Chinese - what more can I say. She's sexy too. She's the first person I saw and said WOW to, in the office (in my head).

- Tall Chinese Boy - Standing more than 6 feet, this statuesque hottie had gorgeous cheek bones, was lean and wore glasses (I'm a sucker for guys with glasses, girls too). He was promising. Especially since when I was being introduced to others, I caught him looking at me - hoping that there's a reason behind that smile. He was somebody I'd love to get to know. Definitely. And hoping of course, that he's gay - much like the other guy:

- Lean Hottie - he had well kept brows, I mean, it's nicely bushy, he was mestizo-hin, and quiet as he sat by his PC. But in one conversation we had in the pantry - his voice and demeanor was surely screaming gay to me. And I think it's not much of a secret with his tight polo and pants embracing his hot body.

- Chubby Princess - she's cute, and her smile - majestic. She's the one person I said I'd want a relationship with. The most feasible one.

As the days progressed, I changed locations and sat beside - drum roll please -

Tall Chinese Boy

Who is not only hot - but is also friendly and talkative at the right moments. We'd sit next to each other with our seats reclined and just talk casually for minutes! It was great conversation.

He kept on touching his body every now and then, which makes me look, and see how lean he is.

He could model. I swear he could. He's that gorgeous. But he's the kind of guy, that has no idea that he is. He wore big clothes most of the time. He looked sloppy. But in his magic moments when he'd wear this all black polo with matching grey pants attire - he seemed ready for the runway. Especially when he wore his plaid polo with two buttons... unbuttoned. My eyes were begging for more. He was so hot and his humility made me want him more.

But he's also straight.

I think. He's currently dating, but no commitment.

I'll just enjoy talking to him, and pretend as though I'm just making proper eye contact. When in reality - I'm staring at his face, memorizing his angles, imagining my hands caress his long neck.

Gah. Drool.

Next Door Buddy 2

The anticipation is killing me.

By the end of this month, he'll move in next door.

Just a few days ago, I just couldn't understand what I was feeling. A mix of excitement, but more of, annoyance?

He's so hard to crack. He keeps a lot of things to himself and he just forces a joke to ease the tension.

He keeps his secrets.

He goes with his machismo.

"Ang tunay na lalaki, hindi nagsasabi ng nararamdaman"

F THAT.

He'll be my neighbor. But we won't connect in anything. I'm frustrated.

There's a tension when I lean close to him, as he checks his social networking accounts.

He shows me this picture - I lean close, my legs slowly graze his, without being too obvious - he's touchy after all. This isn't a problem.

But it's killing me to know that all these afterthoughts are only happening in my head.

Yes, I'll say it. I want him.

But no, I can't mess it up now.

I don't know how we'll end up once he moves in - will he visit often? what will we do? will he make a move? will he finally admit he's gay - or straight? will he tell me he's in a relationship?

Will he explain why he has 3 damn phones?

Why all the mystery?

He boggles my mind so much, it's giving me unwanted stress.

My stomach's in a rumble, and I can't feel a thing.

I'm emotionless. And I don't know what to do.

I don't feel like talking to anyone, but I can't ignore them.

I cancelled all my plans.

I am alone.

And it's the only thing I know what to do, because right now.

I just hate everyone.

My Next Door Buddy

There's a new chapter in my life. And I never saw it coming.

Who would've thought, the Josh that I've been blogging about for quite some time, would soon become...

My Next Door Buddy.

Seriously. Whenever he's at my home, I just feel all queasy inside. I'm restless.

I don't know what to say. I want to get close, but at the same time, I want to keep my distance.

We're friends.

I don't want to mess that part up.

I can't wait to see how this unfolds.

My college crush. What will we be now?

Fudge

If you've been reading my blog posts since I started, you should pretty much get a picture of my story.

I started out, venturing into this world, trying to discover what lies ahead.
You know, for a fact, that I'm into guys. As proof - I view gay porn.
But then, I've also confessed that I do get turned on with - straight porn.
I think that in itself would be a clue as to who I am.
Far more than me coming from green to blue.
Or for my 5'9 height, fair complexion, and other things.

But more importantly, if you have been reading this.
You know, that this shit - is all about me coming out.

And yes, I DID. I finally did.
But as the days progressed.
I just FREAKED OUT.

I don't know where I'm heading. I got even MORE lost.

WHY?

Because I'm discovering a liking towards women.

Who do I blame?

No one really.

Just me, searching for my identity.

And here I go. Saying fudge (fuck if you don't get that).

Because I ended up undoing myself.

I hope to those who are as confused as I am, for your sake, know what you're getting into.

And for my sake.. DEAR GOD.
PLEASE, find me someone who I CAN TALK TO.
Whose intentions are not for sex. BUT are still young ENOUGH, and GOOD LOOKING enough for me to concentrate on.
I'm not asking for much.

I'm just looking for a connection.

My Realization

So I ended up telling my 2 best friends... and 1 close friend. Sorry I had to distinguish the other 1. Because my revelation to him was not planned. Well it was. Right after I would tell my 2 best friends.

Well anyway.

I came out twice.

First, on my best friend's bed.

(Wait, not what you're thinking)

And second, in our dinner.

(See what I mean?)

But in doing so, I just didn't feel FREE. I thought a burden would just get off of me. But instead, a new friggin stone was replaced for me to drag all over the place.

I CANNOT BELIEVE I JUST CAME OUT.

Seriously.

OH MY GOD.

What came to my mind was simple:

THEY KNOW WHO I AM.

And I'm supposed to be reserved about everything. I'm not open to talking about the guys I like or if I even *you know* about guys! It's just WRONG. For me. With them. Anyway. Or with my friends. I can't answer them as truthfully as I would have wanted because the judgment just lingers there and it's hard to just throw away.

I like them. I trust them. But come on. I can't share so many things about myself. It's not only theirs, it's also MY world we're changing.

If I can go back, I would have rather not said a thing!

I'm starting to even think I'm straight!

I mean think about it.

I have only fallen in love with ONE GUY.

Only ever liked, and I mean seriously liked - 4 GUYS.

Admired lots of course.

But the same would almost be for girls:

Never loved a girl. Yet.

Liked around 6 girls, and I mean the type that I would court. And almost courted some of them by the way.

And still get turned on with their porn!

And the same goes for gay. BUT STILL. My taste in guys is so selective it's almost impossible for me to know who I really am.

I said, I'll go with the flow. Sure. But what if that flow will lead me to a friggin WATERFALL?

Currently, I'm torn.

I like guys, better yet, I like a guy - Joshua. As of now.

But I like girls too - 2 in my office in fact!

And I'm not even selective when it comes to girls. I'm fine with OK LANG. But when it comes to guys, they have to fit a certain mold - a certain level of hotness.

WHAT DID I GET MYSELF INTO?

Now they'll look at me and think - You're wasting that girl's time.

I don't know anymore.

And I'm Out!

January 22, 2011.
I've marked the date.
It was past 12.
Prior to going to my best friend's house for the sleepover, they were badgering me with the same questions - ano ka ba talaga?
And I left without a response. Without denial. Without approval.
But there we were, on my best friend's bed, with another of close friend. We were talking about sexual encounters or something related to that when my close friend just brought it up again -
ANO KA BA TALAGA?
Followed by,
Nagkagusto ka ba sa lalake?
And my answer - I hid under the blanket. I was PETRIFIED. I was shaking. My hands were white. And I really believe I was as pale as a ghost.
I pinched myself. The silence was already too obvious to the 2 of them.
I kept on saying - NANAGINIP BA KO?
Because I was there. I was about to say something that I've kept FOR SO LONG.
Both of them, staring at me. Wanting the concrete response rather than words that made all their questions get shoved to the background.
I had no choice.
But it was what I was expecting for this year.
A year of TRUTH. A TRUE ME.
I said it. Avoiding the word as much as possible. Replacing gay with "ganun" or "whatever."

IT WAS SO DIFFICULT.

But they came through for me. Sadly, they were not shocked. Obviously. I was kinda obvious.
But still. Their reception of me was just reassuring.

Eventually I told them about Mike, then Carlo. Then that's it. I hid so many other things.

We came up with this conclusion:

I lacked confidence.
I was bi, but had a bigger opportunity to be straight.

They missed the part, which I completely left out, that my type of porn was 80% gay.
And that I was sexually attracted to men. And not because I just idolized them.

Did I come out? I'm pretty sure I did.
I told them I'm BI. In whatever way that may be I just said.

I JUST GO WITH THE FLOW.

I just go and LIVE.

Soon, I won't be hiding behind this blog anymore.

You might see my real pic online. With a new account of course.
For what? Just a want to connect. And maybe a bit more, which depends of course.

GOD, I LOVE MY FRIENDS.

Countdown to the Big Day

The Big Day. It's the day when I finally tell my 2 closest friends that I'm bi.

Yes BI. Let's not go overboard by saying I'm gay. It's just way too difficult to accept.
I'd like to think I still have a chance of getting married with a girl, have children with her, and grow old together. It's a nice thought that I'd like to carry with me.
I mean sure, when I go online, I really get turned on with gay sex. Sorry for the brutal honesty. This is the only place I'd be able to say something like this. When you meet me in person, I'm so much more reserved. But I cannot deny the fact that I do get turned on with straight porn too. Not straight boys naked. I mean girls naked.
I'm not confused about who I am anymore. I know who I am. I'm gay-ish.
Yes, gay-ish. Bi because I can like girls. But gay-ish in the sense that I can come off effeminate at times. Which is why I can be obvious to some. I get asked if I'm gay by some people. With the presence of people I know, I can't help but lie and say no. Must be why the "cool" guys in high school, or those who'd be touted as hot or "angas" have a soft heart for me. I'm not too obvious, but they just feel as though they can break down their barriers with me.

I just want somebody to accept that. My entirety. My ability to just love regardless of gender. For me to choose without force. And choose with conviction. It's something I wish to have. And by being BI. By being somebody who's open to relationships with both sexes - with a more direct target on the female gender - I'm opening so much more of the possibilities. It's a precondition for whoever to know that I am who I am. And maybe someone, somewhere out there would be willing to take me. Hold me in her arms and say that she does not care. That she loves me regardless.
And I look into her eyes. With so much gratitude. To tell her - I love you.

Raymond Cabral

Shet. Just found a new celebrity-ish crush. He's name - obviously - Raymond Cabral.
He totally looks like Carlo, the guy I blogged about before.

I bet you searched for him in google na no? Typical.
HAHA.

But seriously, if di pa. GO! You might see his nude photo. Well, I'd like to think that IS his nude photo. You'll get what I mean when you find it.

I don't know why. He looks, OK. Not damn handsome or anything. He's definitely good looking. Not your Matsunaga. or your Pitt. But still! He's got this chinito, very asian look that I love.

Can't get over him yet.

Hay. I wish I could see him in person one day. I'd melt for sure.
If you look like him. Hit me up!