And I'm Out!

January 22, 2011.
I've marked the date.
It was past 12.
Prior to going to my best friend's house for the sleepover, they were badgering me with the same questions - ano ka ba talaga?
And I left without a response. Without denial. Without approval.
But there we were, on my best friend's bed, with another of close friend. We were talking about sexual encounters or something related to that when my close friend just brought it up again -
ANO KA BA TALAGA?
Followed by,
Nagkagusto ka ba sa lalake?
And my answer - I hid under the blanket. I was PETRIFIED. I was shaking. My hands were white. And I really believe I was as pale as a ghost.
I pinched myself. The silence was already too obvious to the 2 of them.
I kept on saying - NANAGINIP BA KO?
Because I was there. I was about to say something that I've kept FOR SO LONG.
Both of them, staring at me. Wanting the concrete response rather than words that made all their questions get shoved to the background.
I had no choice.
But it was what I was expecting for this year.
A year of TRUTH. A TRUE ME.
I said it. Avoiding the word as much as possible. Replacing gay with "ganun" or "whatever."

IT WAS SO DIFFICULT.

But they came through for me. Sadly, they were not shocked. Obviously. I was kinda obvious.
But still. Their reception of me was just reassuring.

Eventually I told them about Mike, then Carlo. Then that's it. I hid so many other things.

We came up with this conclusion:

I lacked confidence.
I was bi, but had a bigger opportunity to be straight.

They missed the part, which I completely left out, that my type of porn was 80% gay.
And that I was sexually attracted to men. And not because I just idolized them.

Did I come out? I'm pretty sure I did.
I told them I'm BI. In whatever way that may be I just said.

I JUST GO WITH THE FLOW.

I just go and LIVE.

Soon, I won't be hiding behind this blog anymore.

You might see my real pic online. With a new account of course.
For what? Just a want to connect. And maybe a bit more, which depends of course.

GOD, I LOVE MY FRIENDS.