Crippling

Have you ever wondered when you'll ever be good enough?

You've been scouting Planetromeo, Jack'd, Grindr... Went as far as Hunter, Bender... And so many other apps looking for hook-ups, the one... Someone to talk to. And yet here you are, opening it once again. Checking for messages. Most unrequited. Most, just damning.

It's crippling - the loneliness you get after all that, hi's, musta's, how are you's. It's draining. It's frustrating. You end up always being alone in the end. You get your hook up. You're done for. The next thing you know, you're just back at it. Hoping that maybe one day you'll find that person who'll just take you as you are.

But you're never good enough. And at a certain point, you believe it yourself. You're fat. You've got so much acne. Your face is weird. You're too gay. You're voice is too annoying, too soft. You're just NOT enough. And you take it in, and you're left with Hope. But what the fuck can Hope get you?

Absolutely nothing. So ask yourself, what the fuck am I doing with my life? I'm here again. Checking again. Hoping again.

Just stop. Just STOP.

You're better than this and you deserve better. These people, and you yourself - you're part of that vicious cycle. It just tears you apart. You think eventually you're comfortable with it. But fuck, just think. Just, think for a minute. Think about yourself. Stare at the mirror, touch yourself. Ask yourself.

Who am I?

Who do I want to be?

I can't answer that for you. You can't answer that too, can you? You're still relying on how people perceive you. No. Not people. These digital beings perceive you.

You're fat. You're ugly. You're too gay. You're too masculine. You've got a weird smile. You're teeth are ugly.

You can never be who they want you to be. And you can never be that. So what do you want to do now?

J: Well this is Awkward

Sometimes, it just happens...

I usually open my PR account to "promote" my blog. Basically, gain insight on what posts pique people's interest. But sometimes, I stray away from just "being there" to actually engaging users. I ask how they are, what's up - the works. Every now and then, I'd attach my photo. Most often, I get turned down (I'm just looking to talk damn it). It doesn't bruise my ego as much anymore - maybe I got used to it a bit.

A very - how should I say this - demanding? profile piqued my interest. He had the typical torso-only photo, plus the filtering technique - the usual:
1. Must be good looking ("because I - being the user - am")
2. Must be fit/athletic ("because I am")
3. Must be from a good school ("because I am")
4. Must be intelligent ("because I am")
5. Must be conversational ("because I am")
So really - is he all that? Would I pass 1 and 2? Modesty aside, I know I'd pass 3, 4, 5 :)
I took a chance. I sent my usual "Hey what's up?" + my photo (the best one, since like 3 years ago - sorry guys!). A few minutes later, I got a reply.

I would expect something like - Sorry not interested. But that wasn't the case.

He asked if I go to Fitness First, and with the message he attached a lot of his photos.

Oh fudge he's hot. I was surprised that he was, and that he was engaging me in conversation. This does not happen often.

So I told him I used to go, and that I use my condo gym instead. He was disappointed, and he went on saying that he hasn't gone to the gym for a long time and that he was hoping I could help him out.

Fuck. I have a hot User. Do I want to be used? - I asked myself - I'm not even rich. I went on telling him I can't bring him to our gym. Afterwards, he laid out what he wants from me (or from anyone for that matter). He was looking for workout buddies and for someone who can help him with his "cut credit card." I suggested that he run instead - but he told me he doesn't. But to my surprise, he asked if I wanted to hang out. Hold on - it's 11pm at that time. Nothing good happens by that time.

I googled his profile just to check if it's some fake profile - he came up clean. This, by the way, is something you should do often before meeting people. Just a tip.

I took a deep breath, and sent him my "Sure" message.

He replied with his mobile number plus a lot of fitness related questions like - if I had abs or if I'm muscular - to which I didn't answer. We ended up texting, arguing where we can hang out. Since he was a college student (yea, I'm rationalizing), I took his advice and went to his condo next to La Salle. I waited for him to come out.

I hate Manila. It's so dangerous and dirty. (Sorry!) But at that time, there were a lot of college kids around. So I felt sort of safe. Every now and then I'd look around fearing that some guy would just smile - some guy I have no clue of and would most likely take my cash, or worse, stab me - then run. I was paranoid. I was stupid too. I risk things - it's like I have no value for my life.

I stood there for 15 minutes. Thoughts of whether he's still coming, or that he's seen me already and decided to back out.

He texted soon after, saying that he's on his way down. But F he's late - I hate late. So I took a deep breath, fixed my hair and stood up straight. I can do this - I told myself.

At the corner of my eye - I saw this tall, mestizo-chinito, really fit guy. Could it be him? (I was hoping for a big YES).

YES. It was him. Heading down, he started mumbling - oh fuck. I was getting insults left and right - are you sure you're discreet? You're fat! You don't look like your photo!

But we kept on walking. I was cool with it. It's not like I don't know what I look like right? I know I got fat, but it's not like I'm obese. I'm not muscular like he was, or as white as he was, or even as HOT as he was. Yet here we were - walking to a cab.

When we rode, we decided to go to Makati, to 6750 Starbucks. We chatted a bit. I wasn't much of a talker at that time (possibly because you don't say shit when you meet someone for the first time!). I just held my tongue and decided that this'll be an experience - a learning experience for me.

He was texting non-stop along the way. He was fighting with some texter who threw insults at him like wildfire.

As we lined up for our cup of coffee, his face changed - he looked worried.

I got my usual Chai Tea Latte and sat at a corner. He told me he had a problem - is he bringing up the money thing? - he started off asking how many guys I slept with and when the last time was. He then proceeded to tell me that he thinks he has HIV. Apparently, the guy he was texting dropped a bomb on him (but why now?!).

I told him - guys usually do that for revenge. I did that before just to shut some guy down. Really sorry if this is insensitive by the way.

He wanted to talk some more. In private. I mean, I understand - things like this would drive me crazy too. I told him my condo's free for the night and that we could talk there. He agreed, and we took a cab to my place.

He rationalized how the texter could be right. I sorta get his point. He vented out about his past relationships. Then eventually, he just calmed down and accepted it. Whether he has one or not - it's not the end of the world. That's true. There's nothing else he can do at that point, at that night.

He just sat on my bed - calmer this time. I took out my Bacardi, put some in a glass and added water - like whiskey or scotch (not good with my alcohol. Sorry). I sat next to him, drank half of the glass.

We talked about alcohol. We talked about social media. We talked about his work, his dreams, his LIFE. And I told him mine. I've never met someone so engaged in conversation. But even then, there were times I'd drift away just staring at his face. He's so. Hot.

It was awkward. How we were positioned - his head resting near my lap. He asked - why haven't you hugged me yet? I joked by hugging his torso. "But this is a 69 hug!" He joked back. I re-positioned myself and lied next to him. I looked at his face, while he was staring back. I wrapped my arm around him. And he did the same to me. At that moment, in that one moment - everything was peaceful. This never happened before. Someone I actually like. But someone I'm not worthy of. Why? I kept on asking myself. What's happening? I doubted his intentions. But my brain just snapped.

For some reason, we trusted each other at that moment. And before I knew it, the sun was up. 6am. I haven't slept yet. And I have work.

He, on the other hand, fell sound asleep. I went on preparing for work - took a bath, dressed up, and sat next to his sleeping body. I whispered to him that we had to go.

He didn't want me to. He asked me to call up the office and say that I'm sick. He wanted me to stay. Oh my gosh. Seriously - I asked myself - what's happening?

Why on earth would someone like him like me? I don't understand. It's not logical. And I'm a very VERY logical person. Sometimes too logical that I barely have any actual emotions - just fake ones.

I told him I couldn't stay. So we had our breakfast and decided to head on our separate ways. But before he grabbed the cab's door, he told me he wanted to see me again that night.

Oh fuck. Seriously? I'd love to (I told myself). But I told him, shyly, we'll see.

And the many times after my First

I regretted my decision before. I hooked up without a third thought - I say third because I may have been hesitant at first. Like I said before, I was supposed to meet somebody through PR but then again, somebody else came along. I wanted to be done with it - the whole First Kiss, First Intimate moment. I've done it, and I regretted it. So much.

But I didn't stop there. After a few days, weeks perhaps. No, months - I discovered something that brought me waves of, hmm. Fun. I got an iPhone. And with an iPhone, what do you think gay people use 80% of their mobile time?

Grindr. Scruff. PR (mobile haha!) and so many other hook-up/get-to-know other gay apps.

And with this, my mind exploded (so did all the other stuff down there). With my own place (well, technically I'm sharing with my friends - who most of the time aren't around), and with the app - it's like, yea you know what I mean.

I've done my first fuck.
I got sucked in public.
Flirted, got kinky at my own place with some neighbors.

I'd love to tell you more. But I'm tired. I have around 2 years to fill-in as the gap of my gay life.

Avoiding Fiction

I miss blogging. And apparently, by just posting my website through Planet Romeo, I actually got a good number of readers. So sorry I went away.

I'm back though, and I've got a new plan for you. How about this, you let me know who you like then let's set a story in motion. Visit http://antifictionalisticworld.blogspot.com/ and give me the details.

Let's set your story straight (ish).

Robbed

Robbed.

This is the title that best fits me now.

If you've been following my blog for quite some time. You would know, that I was a virgin and that I had no experience, whatsoever with guys. But for some reason, all this changed last Sunday. I lost it all, for nothing.

I told myself, this will be fine. It will be an experience, no matter what happens, whether we talk or take it to another level. My first meet-up, I have to say. He was pushy, and I was in constant fear of being ignored. He was hotter than I could have imagined. He showed his photos, and he was exactly my type. So I was weak for him.

I kept on pushing that we just talk, that he'd be the one to come over to where I usually stayed. But no. He was the boss. And I was his slave. Mesmerized as I was by his gorgeous smile, I said, Yes. Let's do this.

I hopped on to the cab all the way to Robinsons Ermita, where we were supposed to meet. I was nervous as hell. You couldn't imagine. But I just kept on saying - it's an experience, something you'd want to tell. And duh, he's hot.

I waited. He texted me to go somewhere else, most likely so that he could see me from afar, without showing his face. How that irritated me. At the end of it, he eventually said - Not My Type.

Ouch. Seriously? You made me go all this way. A fat guy wearing green passed by me, and I thought, it must be him. How could I be so stupid to think that somebody that hot could actually want to meet up with me? I looked normal, and judging from the hot guys in PR, it would have been easy for him.

He never showed. And my ego died a natural death.

The strangest thing happened though, in the midst of my crushing. Somebody texted, told me if I wanted to meet up - in Robinsons Ermita. The place where I was. Such a coincidence I thought. I gave my number to 3 other guys, could it be possible, that one of them was this unknown?

I got excited. I wanted to talk, I wanted to know what it was like. I didn't want to have sex, I just. Needed. To. Talk.

So coincidental. My bruised ego, a random texter telling me he sent his photos over PR and he lived nearby Robinsons Ermita - exactly what my supposed "hot" meet up lived as well. How could I not have seen this coming? How can somebody orchestrate such an amazing, but disdainful plot?

IS THIS ALL IN MY HEAD? Or could you have tricked me?

I went in his condo. And when I told him, after the long awkward silence of me just sitting on a stool - that I was going to just leave. My ego was bruised, so I assumed, maybe I'm really not attractive. Here he comes directing me to the door, and there goes his hand, caressing my cock.

I was PETRIFIED. I was shocked. Stunned. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I kept on saying to myself. WHAT WILL I DO? I kept on fumbling. I was coming and going. I wanted to leave, but he kept on pushing me back, he kissed my lips - I'VE NEVER BEEN KISSED BEFORE. WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?!

I was not turned on at all. I was far more scared than I've ever been my entire life. I was helpless. I could have said no. I swear, I know I could have said NO. BUT I DIDN'T and now my tears would almost squeeze out of me, but my strength just keeps me hanging on.

He pushed my head to his cock. Small cock that one. He made me suck it, I could swallow it whole. He gestured me to go up, then he started kissing me again. I was taller than him by 3 inches or so, but he was able to reach me. He held my hand and motioned me to the bed. He told me to take off my shorts and my brief, and I did. I paused, thinking, maybe I can still stop this. But again, I didn't. It was a double decked bed, and he stared at my cock. He was amazed at how big it was, and he couldn't swallow it well enough. He dragged me down again towards his cock, and had me suck it again. He loved it. I didn't. We kissed again, but then I stopped. He asked me if I wanted to do it - I COULD HAVE SAID NO. But I didn't, I sat there motionless. He told me I was too dramatic - and that I was.

I couldn't get myself hard enough. I was thinking too much about all I was losing, and what I was doing - because I had no clue what I was doing right or wrong. I wanted him to tell me, but he treated me like I was a whore who should know what I was supposed to do - despite having told him I was a freaking virgin.

I cummed. But it wasn't out of lust. I just wanted it over. I wanted to scream at myself. I hated myself at that point, and until today. He destroyed me, without him really knowing the impact. He got his fair share, I got nothing out of it but a broken morale.

I need help. I'm never doing this again.

Like a Boss

I've mentioned before that my boss is pretty hot, so goes for some more of my officemates. Awhile ago, I had the pleasure of getting to know them even more - by this, without that much clothes on.

I thought I'd be alone in the communal shower. But there they were, 2 hotties - the hot gay guy and the hot boss. The hot gay guy's most distinctive feature are his eyebrows. If he doesn't smile, he looks stunning. There's something about his smile that's - bawas pogi points. My boss, on the other hand, is hot... but short. Sad.

I was shocked seeing them both - my boss, with just his white undies, while the gay guy just his boardshorts. They were gym fit, with the gay guy my type of 'fit' - lean and toned. I wasn't going to take off my clothes completely - I had no extra clothes after all. So I took off my shirt, went beside the gay guy, opened the shower - that didn't work, my shorts were getting wet. So I bent and opened the faucet and rinsed all the dirt off.

When I was done, so was the gay guy. We were both looking into the mirror. I tried so hard not to look into him and stare at his body. But I had to, at the best chance possible - when he was wiping his face with his towel. Damn. Hot. I'm hoping he was checking me out too. After all, I may have caught a few glimpses from him - maybe he can 'smell' me so to speak, since after all, not all gays who stare at guys lust over them. Right? Someone told me, so I know from the best. Haha!

I had fun with both of them, and the rest of the team. Wish there would be more. If the gay guy would be aggressive over me, I may just push back.

Not Fleeting

I thought this anger was just a feeling...

It started off with a certain dislike towards him - me not wanting him around - it suddenly turned to me, not wanting to see him smile, not receiving any texts, not engaging in any conversation.

It has come to the point that when I do see him, I'll just acknowledge his presence by a mere nod. And that's it.

I walk away. Not asking how his day was. How he is with work.

Nothing.

I thought this feeling would pass. But no, I truly dislike him.

Most certainly, upon confrontation - if he decides to finally ask if there's something wrong with us - I won't go around in circles.

I'll tell it to him flatout.

Josh. I'm bi. And I'm starting to like you, more than I should. I need to distance myself from you. You can still come over, if you really have to.

Then I'll just leave, speechless.

He'll get the picture.
The things I wouldn't say like - I need to distance myself from you... Because at any second, I might grab your neck and kiss you torridly. Your scent and every graze of your touch arouses me so much that I feel like I could leap out of my skin. You can still come over, if you really have to. But know that if you do, it's not my fault if I turn out to be your first kiss. I just can't resist.

Hai.