Countdown to the Big Day

The Big Day. It's the day when I finally tell my 2 closest friends that I'm bi.

Yes BI. Let's not go overboard by saying I'm gay. It's just way too difficult to accept.
I'd like to think I still have a chance of getting married with a girl, have children with her, and grow old together. It's a nice thought that I'd like to carry with me.
I mean sure, when I go online, I really get turned on with gay sex. Sorry for the brutal honesty. This is the only place I'd be able to say something like this. When you meet me in person, I'm so much more reserved. But I cannot deny the fact that I do get turned on with straight porn too. Not straight boys naked. I mean girls naked.
I'm not confused about who I am anymore. I know who I am. I'm gay-ish.
Yes, gay-ish. Bi because I can like girls. But gay-ish in the sense that I can come off effeminate at times. Which is why I can be obvious to some. I get asked if I'm gay by some people. With the presence of people I know, I can't help but lie and say no. Must be why the "cool" guys in high school, or those who'd be touted as hot or "angas" have a soft heart for me. I'm not too obvious, but they just feel as though they can break down their barriers with me.

I just want somebody to accept that. My entirety. My ability to just love regardless of gender. For me to choose without force. And choose with conviction. It's something I wish to have. And by being BI. By being somebody who's open to relationships with both sexes - with a more direct target on the female gender - I'm opening so much more of the possibilities. It's a precondition for whoever to know that I am who I am. And maybe someone, somewhere out there would be willing to take me. Hold me in her arms and say that she does not care. That she loves me regardless.
And I look into her eyes. With so much gratitude. To tell her - I love you.