Next Door Josh

He's always in my house.
We eat together because he's got nothing back at his apartment.

I support him.

It's like a fantasy I've wanted. Him with me in a house, all to our selves. Where we can do anything we want.
Sometimes, I'd wish he'd just grab my hand. Like that time when we were at this mall. He was picking kitchenware for his crib. I accompanied him. We looked like a couple. He'd stand so close to me I could smell his sweet scent from his nape. Department store guys, obviously gay, would stare at us. Maybe in marvel at how we can be together. Everything made it seem as though we were an US.
When in fact, it's all an illusion.
He is handsome. There's no denying that. I look ok, but I am taller than him.
It made it SEEM. We SEEMED to be together. How I wish this illusion was true.
I'd stand so close, I'd reach out my hand, nearing his fingertips - which at times I mistakenly touch. I'd wish he'd just grab my hand. That's all I ask. Even for a brief moment, make people see, even for a little while.

When we eat, he'd wear this white shirt and jersey shorts. I could see almost through him. How nicely built he is. Not my type, but good enough. Sometimes, when he lifts his legs up, I'd see a portion of skin out in the open. I gaze at how toned his thighs are, even if he's a bit stocky. In fact, he's stocky, but quite toned. His arms too show leanness. His legs, his thighs - oh how I'd love to creep my hand all the way towards his crotch.

I could see myself drooling. And to avoid his glance, I'd just look back at the TV. Pretend as though I'm watching.

We'd sit by the living room. Him, transfixed on his laptop. I, on mine.
Even by the dimness of the light from his laptop, I could see how gorgeous his face is. His thick brow, that pointed nose and full lips. So mestizo that he is. He glows.

Me, wanting to extend my foot. Touch him bare.

All the while knowing I could never have him.

Such a burden to almost live with the one you want so much. I just want distance now. I just want to keep him away.