In Boracay

I LOVE BORACAY.
Aside from the beautiful beach, there are lots of beautiful people too! The former I believe is so much better.
I've seen so many hot guys (and girls). Koreans in particular. One of them, wearing this black square framed glasses - was uber cute. He was the first one I noticed once we got to our hotel. Too bad he was there for his wedding pictorial.
The highlight of my night would definitely be our last night. I was with a few friends for beer at this bar called MINT. I think the owners are from New Zealand or something. Initially, there weren't many foreigners, until an hour later...
Around a dozen of them flocked to the bar. One in particular caught my attention. He had this black polo on and a face to die for. He had this cute boyish charm... Your boy next door. He kind of looks like a celebrity I've seen before. Best celebrity look alike, at the top of my head - damn I can't remember what he looks like. All I know is, he had black hair and white-ish skin. The ish added cause we were in Boracay - obviously!
I neglected his presence, or the rest of the cute guys and girls at the bar for that matter. I just wanted to drink and go right away. It seemed like they wanted us out - like this girl, she approached us and asked if we were having drinks - either she wanted to join us, or pretty much told us - buy something more or leave!
I interpreted it as that, but my friends told me that I may be her type - you know, tall dark and handsome HAHA. I mean she's a foreigner - from NEW ZEALAND. I highly doubt people like me are ever there.
When my friends told me to accompany one of them standing in the bathroom - because a guy just started talking to her - I never expected that that moment would change my life.
Mr. Hot Guy. Tall. White. SUPER handsome. I am not kidding. I swear. Suddenly reached out his hand as I was walking by. I was the only one in front of him - I panicked. I didn't know how to react. He was HOT. I reached out mine and sorta high 5ed him, at the same time shook it. I was that surprised to even think straight. I was looking at the floor the whole time. If I look at him I'd melt.
I thought hey - foreigners are friendly here. There was this other guy, when I was buying Chorizo burger, he made a comment about the food so we started a 3 sentence exchange conversation. Because! My friends don't know I'm gay/bi! So I couldn't respond flirtatiously. Damn.
So I thought - what he did was a friendly gesture. I mean, after me, he also shook some other guy's hand and talked for a while.
So anyway. I was with her at the comfort room. "Protecting her" So I thought. Another guy passed by and started a conversation, we just gave him a yes or a no to each of it just so that he'd leave.
But then, once I sat on my seat. I looked him. LOOKING AT ME. We pretty much stared at each other for what seems like forever. He didn't take his gaze off of me. And I was like, SHIT. Bad timing dude. I need to protect my image with my friends. I didn't know what to do, so I looked away. By doing so, I may have just said no to any other action possible.
SHIT. Lost chance.
I went to bed regretting the fact that we left right after that moment.
Damn
DAMN
DAMN IIIT.
I wish I could see him again. Or at least have someone look at me the same way he did.

Of Pasts

I miss Carlo. I miss those times when he'd think I like him so he flirts a little bit.
I just keep on turning back to that day when I asked him about 3 dots on his hands and he muttered "I love you" in one brief, but very unforgettable, second.
He was what every guy(ish) would have wanted. He was charming, handsome, intelligent, sporty... Had niiice abs even for a sophomore in high school. Chinito. Funny. Hay. If only I sent him back the vibes, maybe flirted back. He'd either stop or push through with whatever plans he had then right? I miss him begging for my forgiveness. He knelt in front of me during mass. All my classmates were there. They saw it. He was there, kneeling, asking for my forgiveness. I thought I would mean nothing, but he made me feel like I am a whole lot more than just his seatmate.
I miss him enough that when I'd see him again, I just might tell him.

Speaking of people I miss. My first love had his 23rd birthday last Tuesday. And it felt like nothing. But sometimes, it just sweeps over you, you know? Like, I wish we were still connected it a way just so that I'd have an excuse to say hi... Or happy birthday.

Speaking of excuses. My friends and I went out yesterday, with Josh! Gah. It was the reason I said yes. I was too tired, but the opportunity was placed so... HEY! When I saw them, Josh was with a girl. My heart didn't even sink. Weird. It's like I didn't care. She wasn't even pretty! But in the end, it turned out they were just friends. It was no biggie. THANK GOD. Because the message he's been sending me last night was too good to be true. I mean, he was touching me all over - my chest, my abs, my shoulders. It's like he's pressing a little bit just so that he could feel me. It was weird for me so I'd just brush him off. But damn, my zipper would just open by itself from those things. But it's true though. My zipper does open by itself... And this is where the juicy part comes in.

So there I was with him in the CR. For some reason, my zipper broke for sure. It really opened up. You know, like, it's open in a way that you cannot close it. He wanted to take a look! So I showed him. It even felt like he wanted to help me! I saw it in his eyes I swear. It was hot, I was getting sweaty at that moment. I rushed trying to go out because I don't think I'd be able to handle it! Even when I was already at the door, it felt like he wanted to say something. He just stood there staring at me! Smirking!

It felt weird. I loved it though :)

Start-Ups and What's Thats

I think I'm straight now.
HAHA.
Seriously though. I'm not as into guys as I used to be.
I'm usually the type who'd be silent when guys start talking about girls - me not giving any opinion on who's hot or what. I'll just say - yea she's hot. Or yea, ang ganda nun.
But never be the starter. I was never one to say - alam ko na pangalan niya or ganda niya shit.
But now I am. I'd be stalking pics of girls, trying to know their names by staring at their id's.
Holy banana pancakes and blueberry pie.

It's not a horrible occurrence. I'm just happy that there's a slight chance that I'm more straight than gay than I thought.

Just a little kwento though.
In the office, when I'd go and get coffee - our little pantry had to have around one or two persons in it. So when I was there, getting coffee, this guy comes along and just stays right beside me. Guys or girls for that matter - just stay out of the area because the space is constricting. But he just stayed there, holding his mug, and I think - looking at what I'm doing. He even asked me directions - people usually find ways to do it themselves.
He's kinda cute, so I had no problems about it.
And he's such a darling cause he's always smiling.

Enough about him though.

I'd like to say something bout girls pa, but it's not for here ;) It's for my real life out there.

When Uniforms are Gone

If you work in McKinley Hill, do tell me. Message me on PR.

Anyway.

Office romance. Well I'd like to think it is. Ok fine. It's not. I just like looking at them. Around 4 guys to be exact. A Chinese guy, and I mean Chinese. A Filipino-Chinese, see the difference? A moreno guy. And Mr. I can't believe you're actually that hot.

Names - in order - Julian, Kev, Kenny, and a guy whose name I still do not know.

Well anyway. I think Julian knows I like him. He must've noticed how I kept glancing to his work station. He's pretty thin for my taste. Kind of geeky, but with a really handsome Dolce and Gabba like face (you know, those, young and fresh looking boys).

Kev, I like him - but he's too pretty for me. And I mean pretty. He's got porcelain skin. Despite his little problem with acne, his face is still so gorgeously beautiful. His fashion's pretty much like that of a skater. He has some love handles - which I fortunately saw in our dressing area. Sometimes, when we catch each other's eyes, I feel like there's an understanding there somewhere. It just feels so surreal when you look at him - he's like a friggin mannequin made into life.

Kenny. I mentioned him before. He's cute, not so cute, but cute enough. With glasses. But I never had the instance to be close enough to his space. Unlike the ones above, and the one below.

Mr. Hottie. Ah. I never expected he'd be so hot. He's a friend of a friend so whenever I'd greet my friend, he'd just hang around waiting for our friend to leave with him. I don't know if he stares at me because I'm keeping them from walking, or that maybe he thinks I'm into him. Which I am now. Because damn, he's got some muscles on him. It was our sportsfest that day, and he wore a very revealing jersey. He's got an earring in his left ear - screams gay to me. I really hope he is though. He's not that hot, but I really think when you undress him, you'd melt.

Just had to release some "emotions." I really do hope I'd find someone in the office. At least for a date. Or for, maybe more.
:D

On Coming Out

I know, I haven't been blogging for quite some time now. But on my way to work, I figured how I'll end my torment.
And I figured something which I believe others would likely follow.
Surely, guys who are, how do we call them - confused? Know for a fact that people will tend to tell them that they should "come out when they are ready." Or for others, "it's not about what people think."
What they obviously leave behind is who they are in the process of trying to follow these principles. It's not about proclaiming to the world WHO YOU ARE, but rather, WHAT YOU CAN DO.
So fuck all the pretenses. Or all the judgments of other people.
Just be - as the cliche goes - true to yourself. Act according to what FEELS RIGHT FOR YOU.
If you don't like it when people judge you - then fine. Leave it there. Live a hidden life. And just let time run its course if it's willing to "out" you.
If you just want to live, and get all the questions over with. Then go ahead. Shout it out. For all you know, it opens up new chapters for you.

In my case, I'm not comfortable with it yet. I know what I want and that's to have children, to marry a girl who would be willing to accept my flaws.
Point is, I'll keep it secret. I won't decide on who I am based on a question that someone raises. I'll just say it if I want to.

Office Romance

Finally, I'm employed. In a very respectable firm. With lots of good looking people.
It's great to pass by someone, both of your eyes slowly crawling up to each other's faces just to check if he/she's good looking.
Or to check out somebody's body from the back, waiting for him/her to look right back.
And it's strange to be so unsure about the sexuality of so many guys in the office. Just because you feel like they are not straight.
And I hope they aren't.
If there's one thing that PR has taught me - do not be deceived by looks. Even the hottest guys can be curious.
With the muscular guy waiting in line for food, or with the cute geeky guy sitting with his friends, or the very hot Chinito working in his workstation - it's just confusing.
I hope they are not straight. But there's no way of knowing for sure.
Some are obvious. But some, just dress really well. Or some are just really soft-ish.

Kenny.
Chinese guy.
Muscular guy.

Three different guys I like.

How do I get to know them?

Love, Actually

I think I'm in love.
And it was in a moment that I least expected it.

After falling in love the first time around, I would have imagined my heart to have learned - same sex relationships won't work, for me, at this time and for the people I fall in love with.

They're straight. As I believe them to be.

Will I be adding Joshua to my list?

I just cannot help but think about him. Look at him, even in photographs. I miss him, constantly.
Much the same way I felt about Mike.

But damn. This will not work, and I know it.

Plus, I think I finally realized that I'm not really that straight after all. Sure, I may like girls. But I've never fallen in love with one. What does that say about me?

Gay.

Hmm.

Still getting used to it.

Caught?

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Of Fantasies

So I've had my fill of Joshua blogs. But it's just cause I can't get enough of him.
Maybe I'm in love.

I've almost forgotten what it feels like. The last time that I was - it was way back then with Mike. The feeling of how your heart beats faster whenever he's near. Well that's not happening yet. But what does happen, is this awkwardness. This silence. This air of something, when there's nothing. Like a chill from an open window. You know where the chill is coming from. But you don't know if you like it or not.

We went out. My friends and I. Including Josh. Out on the beach. So as you would expect, it was a nice wet and sweaty time with the guys and girls. More particularly Josh.
We played Frisbee. While playing, I dream of having my body rub his. Slowly with the roughness you'd get from hitting each other. Ten minutes later it happened. I was reaching for the disk, when he comes right after. Our bodies collide. My insides felt like it moved. And I lay there on the sand. With him right next to me. Our bodies touched. But it wasn't as sexy as I thought it would be. It hurt.

When we walked out with my friends. He'd usually stay close to me. And when we do. Our hands touch every now and then. The slightest movement. Our pinkies connect. Goosebumps all over my spine. I look at him, and he looks back with his boyish smile. I smile back. It's nothing. I'd rest my arm on his shoulder. Just to feel him. Just to be somewhat close to him. I am taller after all. And it just doesn't mean anything.

The night before we were to head home, we drank. All my friends and I. As usual. I got drunk. We were all playing the counting game when suddenly the lights went out. It didn't stop us from playing. Joshua was beside me, our arms scraping every now and then. He had nice arms. His torso, despite not having abs, was pretty decent. Not that much fat. I remember this from the beach.

So there we were. After some time of shouting and just playing silly, I decided to sleep. I crawled up. Josh being a good friend, accompanied me. He helped me get to the boys room. We went inside, laughing at each other from the events that took place.

I tripped on the bed. Josh soon followed. We were still laughing. This time, most likely, from the alcohol. We were still able to see each other because of the moon outside.

* * *
We stared as we laughed together. I lied down on the bed, him beside me. Our heads near each other. I looked at him. I stopped laughing. And for some reason, he looked back.

It seemed as though the world stopped for a minute. As our lips were perched together. I was in shock. Him even more.
* * *

And that part I can't deny - is false. I wish it were true though. Much like a fantasy brought to life.

Joshua 6

So here's the deal.
I have straight guy friends. A lot of them.
I have a lot of close straight guy friends. And only some effeminate ones. Most of the time these straight guys are the torpe guys. Some of them, the really brusque ones.
I have a close friend who's gigantic. Very manly. Can't mistake him as gay. I highly doubt he is.
So if guys like him. Who are my close friends. Try to kiss me on the mouth.
Grab my face. And point their mounts near mine. Trying to check how I'll react. To me. It means NOTHING. To them. It means NOTHING.
Point is. I know how it feels like when it's all just a joke. Nothing to it.
There's nothing to it. Means nothing to me.
When they:
Hug me.
Touch my pecks.
Caress my back.
Grab my face and pretend that they'll kiss me.
Kiss my shirt, specifically near the neck.
Graze my hands, and legs.
Grab my ass.

It means NOTHING.

So why is it that when Joshua does it. I feel so awkward.
I feel like there's something to it.

I actually have an answer to it. And it's because he's really cute. And I really like him.
In that when we chat or when we text for long hours. Even if he's the only one who does that with me. Or I to him. That it's his way of expressing himself as a friend. That we bond more through text and chat.
Cause come face to face, we don't really know what to say. Or how to greet each other. We pretend like we're not so close.

Until last night.

It was different. It was hot. We were sweaty. And so were everyone else in the party.
So when I decided to sit beside him together with the rest of my friends. I was surprised he leaned against my shoulder. It was hot. Not just in how I felt. But it was really hot. So body heat just adds up the already humid weather.
We leaned together. Back to back. I felt his sweat. He felt mine. I felt his back muscles and his weight pressed against mine. We were the only ones seated that way. And to both of us. We just didn't care. I tried to give him hints like, how hot it is and how much he's adding heat. But he just doesn't mind. I think he just tried to piss me off. Or maybe he just prefers it that way.

Even when we finally sat on a chair. He tried to sit on my lap. I told him my phone was there. So he moved to my other leg.

Of course I was turned on. His butt was on my leg. That's pretty close.

So he looked at me, grinning. Trying to see if I'll kick him out. Since I had a bunch of other straight guys there, I wouldn't want them to think I was enjoying it. (I really was enjoying his company, and the feel of his body next to mine). So I asked him to leave. To go to the other seat.
BECAUSE THERE WAS ANOTHER SEAT.

But no. He opted to sit on my seat. Back to back again. Sweaty. Humid. Sexy.

But that's all I got from him.

When I decided to switch seats. Just to make him feel like it's not as funny (if he thinks it is) as he thinks it is (I'm half hoping it's a way of playing hard to get. HAHA). I just stared at him every chance I got. During conversations when he'd speak up. And he'd stare back.

I'm starting to like him even more. I'm starting to want him near me most of the time.
I'm maybe falling for him. Another straight guy I assume.
So, I'm either just going to enjoy the false moments or act against it.

I'd rather live this fantasy.

There's no harm in imagination.

;)

Joshua 5

Side comment...
I HAVE NO IDEA how to to comment back. Thanks for commenting guys! I'm assuming you're all guys of course. HAHA.

So anyway.
Another Joshua blog.

JOSH. Fudge. Are you reading this? Because for some reason, you're getting a little bit close.

This is the THIRD time you tried to ask me out, to accompany you.
Sure, for the purpose of having someone with in the journey around Makati or Ortigas. But even I don't call just to ask if a friend of mine's available. I usually send random texts to my closest friends. You make it more personal. I'm not used to it.
It's the first time somebody asks me out on the phone. I know, I may be reading over this too much, but just think about it.
Out of nowhere, he calls. Asking me if I'm free next week. Asking me if I can come with him. And I expect only him.
Whenever he does. I usually say, I have an interview. Which I really do. Or, that we can bring other friends along. Maybe he just wants it to be us.
Maybe I'm the closest he has to someone who can hang around with here in Manila. I mean, he's not from NCR. He comes all the way from Bicol. So maybe I am a link to the heart of the country.
But I like the thought of Josh, slowly, introducing himself as liking me eventually. One day, he'd just say it. He won't need to hear me say out loud that I'm bi or whatever. He just takes the risk and tells me he likes me.
I'm taller than him. But he's really cute. He looks like Gerald Anderson at 5'7. That cute boy next door type. With a personality that's so magnetic.
Maybe we're just friends. He's straight I believe.
Although it's weird. He's never had a girlfriend. Or maybe he has, I never asked. But he never speaks aloud about women. Of the girls he likes. He tried courting someone, who eventually turned him down. But that's it. No one else.
I think he's hiding something. I just wish. That if he really is reading this. He'd know what to say.
I'm not sure if I want to accompany him though.
I have no reason to go to Makati. Unless a company calls me to go there.
It's nice to hear from him.

He's the only guy who calls me. The most to call me. And I don't think we're even super close. It comes out of nowhere. Friends call me because we had a conversation prior through text. Is he really just this comfortable on the phone?
He's the only guy who texts me, for over more than 10 messages. I mean. Saying "okipoki" would usually signal - end of conversation. Or a, HAHA. But no, he always finds something to say. I mean... WHAT will you reply to a - :) ??? I can't think of any. I won't reply anymore. But he does. And he asks even more questions. Sometimes, no questions at all. But just a reply.

Immortal text. Is it free text? I thought it just had no expiry? That's his line for Globe. But regardless. Regardless. My closest friends don't text me that long. Or call me for no reason. I may be reading too much into this. But I'm hoping that what I'm reading is actually true.

Thought Bubble

Just the other day, I was thinking about really using my face pic as my profile picture in Planetromeo and Downelink.
But then again, I'm afraid of two things:
1. Somebody might tell
2. I'm not worth the time

I'm afraid that somebody might tell. But not to the extent of knowing, but rather, that they spread the news without me telling my closest friends first. I'm thinking of just one. My female best friend. Then maybe, when I do tell, I'll rethink my position.
I'm afraid that showing my pic can either up my ego, or kill it entirely. HAHA. I know what I look like and I know my imperfections. Until I lose those imperfections, then maybe I'll be willing to go out. But until I can be secure about myself, maybe I'll just lurk in the dark. Chatting people up. So yea, I've got the dreaded acne. And I've gained quite a bit of weight, compared to previous years.

My question is. How can you be so brave to show your face pic while pronouncing that you're discreet?
It just confuses me.
If you're discreet. Hide it. And show it to people you don't know right? Rather than shock your previous high school classmate. Right?

Is there like a gay-code? Or bi-code? Or CODE of ethics that tells people - KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT?

Hmm.

MM 1

Like I said before. I met him when I was in grade 6. While I was hanging out with my friends near the caf.
He was talking to a guy named Sandoval. I remember it so distinctly because it was the moment I realized I'm in love.
It's too much, perhaps, to say that the love bug bit me. Or to say that it was love at first sight.
But the point being is - is that I was knocked off my feet. I knew. Back then. That there was something about him that I just love. Aside from his obviously handsome face.
I followed him. Not really. But I was kind of obsessed. When I learned about his name, I started searching for him in the net, even in our campus website. And you know, just stare at his face (among other things, let's be wholesome first).
I craved him. I seriously did. Let me describe him to you:
1. He's around 5'11. Pretty tall. Mestizo. White. Sometimes tanned from running.
2. Lean. Cause he's a track star. So that makes him Victor Basa like with his body. So yea, he has abs. He's thin. But he has 6 packs. I remember it distinctly because when we had this rehearsal thing for a play, he was shirtless and sweaty. So you can sense how detailed his body was with the sweat sliding through his abs and belly button. Just thinking about it turns me on, ALWAYS.
3. He had braces (it's gone now). And glasses. It makes him a dork - NO. Despite it all. He still looks hot.
4. He has allergies most of the time. There was this one time when he had boogers all over his face cause he was wiping his face with his arm most of the time.
5. He is smart. And rich. He is actually the guy anyone has ever dream about. An athlete. A genius. A hottie. Everything I want to be.
God, he's hot. Hotter now, now that he lost his braces and glasses. Gained more mass.
Honestly, the only thing I haven't seen from him are his butt and cock. That underwear area. I've seen the rest cause we're friends so he would just take off his clothes and I'd see it all. Or his photos in his online accounts.
More to follow.

Reconsidering

I finally decided to come out. But no one's asking me yet.

I'm waiting for a scenario where:

1. Drinks are present

2. Circle of friends are in conversation

3. Someone just asks

But somehow. No one's asking anymore. However! There was a time when we were drinking I heard someone ask if I was gay! Someone defended me though. If only I wasn't drunk. I could've answered her back.

*Everyone's face in shock... or not really*

But I'm also reconsidering. I'm on the verge of eliminating any possibility of any same sex encounter. Or if I will, I'd take Jason Mraz's statement - "until the right guy comes along"

YES. Jason Mraz is bi. I was shocked as well. Wow. I idolized him, but I never knew he was bi.

He actually gave me the added confidence that I need when I say it.

So yea, I want a girlfriend. I want my first time with a girl. A girl who knows I'm bi and will respect me for who I am. I will love her completely. I will hold nothing against her. I will be faithful. I will love her with my entirety.

Sorry. But unless we meet in person (and I find you SHIT HOT, I mean like - Ian Sommerhadler HOT) - that's when I'll be game. The only time I'll be willing to take it to the next level is if you look like him or for a more Filipino version - Victor Basa. I want someone with a ripped body.

Unless you're someone I've liked regardless of your looks (i.e. Joshua, and only him). Then I'm game. So basically, it's either Joshua or an Ian/Victor-look-a-like.

I ask too much so that I can avoid doing it with the same sex.

:)

Time is Now

Fact is, I'm just waiting for someone to ask.
I'm ready to say it out loud.

Half petrified of course.

Half dignified.

Of Love and Likes

So, I've been blogging about this guy I've liked ever since I've started - Joshua.

He's really cute, but somehow, somewhere along the way, I just like staring at him and getting touched by him. And that's all there is.

He calls me gay. So, it kind of pisses me of.

Because of that, I'm not going to insert my imagination to every single thing he does.

I'm done pretending.

I'd rather not be wanting someone who I know doesn't want me back.

Know is such a big word. Let's try: I believe, doesn't want me back.

That chapter's over, now that I'm graduating...

Much the same way I've ended the biggest love chapter in my life - Mike. Mike M.

Finally, I said it.

It's there. It's all out. If you know him, be discreet about this.

Ever since I saw him when I was in grade school - grade 6 I believe, he was talking to a former classmate of mine. He was right in front of me. Talking to him. I was with my two other friends. He doesn't know me. I didn't even know his name.

All I know was - my heart was beating so fast, I couldn't believe it.

What the hell was happening? I asked myself. And I assured myself somehow, it must be love.

He'd hang around the caf-gym, I'd pass by the place just to see his face.

His beautifully sculpted face, lean and long body, white to tan-ish skin, and mestizo looks... He was everything I dream of in a man.

I knew his name eventually, a year later.

I was going down the stairs, he was going up. We had name patches then, so I got a glimpse of it. Michael M.

He was somehow, my obsession. I was - in love. I'd just stare at this pictures for minutes a day, imagining... and imagining... Scenarios where we'd meet up and introduce himself. Scenarios where we'd kiss.

He eventually became my classmate, my seat mate, my close friend. I fell in love with him even more.

I found out he was smart... and very romantic. After all, he confided in me all his yearning for this girl he liked. It didn't hurt me, in fact I loved it when we talked about her. We'd get closer that way. When I had info on her, I'd make him wait and beg. I wanted the whole world to see we were close.

From all the waiting, he begged once... he went to my classroom, when class was about to start... Everyone saw how intently we talked. They suspected we were together. I loved it.

Even if it's false, at least I felt like there's a doubt hovering up ahead. A chance. A something.

When rumors spread across campus about me liking him (which was not true - because I was LOVING him)... We fell apart. Plus the fact that we were not class mates anymore. We hardly talked. I avoided him even more.

What's the point in loving someone who doesn't love you back?

No last goodbyes then. Nothing.

All I did was simple.

I made a yahoo account - plantedmonitor (which I use heavily for gay-ish deeds)... And confessed my love for him. And no, I didn't say who I was. All I said in the end was this:

"I don't want you to know me. I just want you to know that someone's in love with you."

I thought I was free. Come college. He's back in my life. But not so much. Different courses, different friends and a giant campus don't make failed friendships work. He talks to me every now and then. I answer. I don't initiate. I never did. He always starts the conversation.

So now. Nearing graduation. After Pabaon.

He asked me... And I remember it so clearly. And I'd like to blog this for me to remember:

Oi, musta na?

Ok naman.

Ano na plano mo after? Nagpass ka na ng mga resumes mo?

Ummm... Oo, dun sa job fair.

San mo balak magtrabaho?

Sa mga MNC's yung mga ganun...

Ah, sige, good luck!

Kaw rin.

I walked away. Still dazed and confused. A short conversation, but nevertheless meaningful.

Good luck.

Kaw rin.

Good luck.

Kaw rin.

It signals the end. We bid farewell wishing each other luck.

I promised myself this morning. Our last conversation won't be like this. No, it won't. It's going to be this:

Oi, musta na? May sasabihin ako sayo.

O, ano?

Way back then, nung naggraduate tayo ng high school. May nagsend sayo ng email. Plantedmonitor.

-he stares blankly at me-

Three scenarios:

1. He punches me

2. He walks away, silent

3. He asks me

I can go with 2 and 3. I don't want 1. I don't want a scandal.

Hopefully, this last encounter does happen.

I'm willing to risk it all. Even if it means, through this. I'd be coming out.

BAHALA NA.

Coming Out Decision 2

So, I've been thinking...
There's this party, where almost everyone I know - everyone who concerns me... will be going.
And I'm here contemplating on whether I should say it or not.
They have been mentioning it for some time...
"Feeling ko may aamin ito bago maggraduate"
"Coming out party mo ata ito eh"
...
So if they've noticed it that much... Shouldn't I just come out clean?
Just get this behind me?
I mean... I'm tired of saying I'm not, when honestly, I am...
WHAT AM I SO AFRAID OF?
If they will love me the way I am, regardless of my orientation?

So, I came up with a speech and it goes:
Someone asks: "So ano nga, bakla ka ba o hinde?"... "Bakla ka ba?"
Me, finally:
I look down. I pause for a few seconds. Look around, check who's intently listening.
I'd ask.
Why do you think I am?
I'll wait for answers...
"Kase wala kang girlfriend"
"Kase medyo babae ka kung kumilos paminsan minsan"
"Kase hindi ka masyadong nagchecheckout ng babae"

And then I'd say...

I have a gay uncle. I can't help it if I come off as gay. It's hard for me to control my actions when I'm predisposed to it. It's really difficult.
I'm effeminate at times. I know that. And it hurts me, and it kills me to say it.
Because I DON'T WANT TO BE SEEN AS GAY.
I WANT TO BE SEEN AS ME.
That's the reason why I can't and I don't want to have a girlfriend at this time.
Because I'm afraid I won't be good enough.
That people would think she's dating a gay guy or a softie.
Or that her life would be ruined because of me.
I'm afraid. Of standing on the aisle looking deep into her eyes, while everyone else would whisper:
"Mali ito. There's something wrong with this. I THOUGHT HE'S GAY."
It's so hard to act and be straight when people already think you're gay.
It's so hard to act gay because I just don't feel like it.
LET whatever it that I do, BE what I do.
Don't interpret it further.
I love you all but this question's KILLING ME.
If you think I'm gay, FINE. It's up to you to decide. I won't be whoever you want me to be.
But I'll tell you this.
I want to get married.
I want to have children.
I want to have my first time, my first kiss, my first fuck with a woman.
I want to wake up in the morning with a woman.
I want to BE WITH A WOMAN.
However.
I cannot deny. I like men too.
So yes. Call me what you want - gay, bisexual, whatever.
Just don't tell it to me in front of my face. Just keep it to yourself.
I beg of you to.

I'll end this with a final glance. Look at how they react.
If they have questions, I'd be happy to answer.
If anything gets uncomfortable.
I'll leave.
And most likely, I won't talk about it ever again.

I'm petrified.
I'm mortified.

WHAT THE HELL WILL HAPPEN NEXT?

F
U
C
K

Joshua 4

I guess I'm delusional in thinking way too much about everything you do.
You're charming, so I know a lot of girls like you (but why aren't you making a move on them?)
You're attractive despite your growing tummy... It doesn't bother me.
Which is something I believe is a rarity.
Cause you're really not my type.
I like them ripped...
But you're everything else except that.
Plus I'm taller than you by over 2 inches.

I poked your tummy and you called me gay.
I wonder. If I said I was... Gay over you...
How would you react? A kiss on my cheek or a steal towards my lips?
It's unfair cause you touch my chest and abs more often than I touch you. In fact. I don't touch you.
So you get the right to... And I don't...

You're straight. And maybe somewhere along the way, you've gotten curious.
You make me curious now.

What can I do to make it come out?
What can I do to make you say you like me?
Because I have no intention of doing so.
So it's really up to you.

I don't care if by the time I leave school, I won't see you again. Or I hardly will.
Puppy love bites.

Joshua 3

What's happening?
I'm not fond of texting or chatting too long. But for some reason, I find it ok with you.
And why do you text me or chat me up for no good reason?
DOTA! - Haha. What reply were you expecting?
Want a one-on-one?
Hmm.
You're making me like you more and more because you're making me believe that there's a possibility.
The way you stand so close to me.
The way you wrap your arms over my shoulder.
The way you stare and smile.
The way you talk like you're nervous.
The way you want me to smile.
The way you choose to hang out with me more than others.

What's going on?
I'm creating a blog session entirely out of you.

Campus Hotties

Being in a really prestigious school has its perks. Aside from quality education, there's a downpour of 8-10/10 girls... and boys.

The girls wear their short skits revealing their nice long legs... I love legs. I had a crush on a girl just because I saw her legs, she's not so pretty though. But still, nice long and lean legs are my thing. I also love it when their hair's all ruffled. I don't like it straight cause it makes them look boring.

BOYS. If there are two hotties - a girl and a boy standing together. I'd pick the boy over the girl, anytime. I actually have two couple crushes (def. a beautiful couple, the boy's hot and the girl's hot so they match): my former love and his delicious girlfriend and these two others. Hmm.

So campus hotties... I usually hangout in just one place so I tend to not see all the glory and beauty that God has made.

It's just that recently, as I was walking around campus, I've seen sooo many hot men passing by - not to mention girls too. All pearl-skinned and glorious.

Having seen some hot guys in Planet Romeo... I've been thinking... There must be around a 60+% chance that they're gay. Right? Colorful shirts... Shades... Skinny jeans... Gym buffed and lean...

Something's not right.

I wonder if they do it with each other?

HMM

Just a thought.

Dates

I wonder... When will the right time be for me to accept dates?

I'm rather insecure about myself, so maybe that can be a hindrance.

After all, guy or girl... I've never been in one.

And it's scary to have a guy on guy date. Who knows what the hell he's thinking right?

Sex ain't my thing yet. Unless he's super hot of course... I'll consider it. With hesitations.

Should I try dating a girl first? How does this go?

Should I be the one asking someone out? Or should he?

Obviously, I'd be asking a girl out. But a guy? How does that work?

Sometimes this lifestyle is just way too difficult.

Double life. That's what I'm taking up.

So if I'm out there, on the streets... Should I be paranoid that at least one person knows me (and will eventually tell the world that I'm dating a guy)?

Date through Planetromeo?

Scary.

STD's and Maniacs are lurking all over.

That's why I'm looking for someone decent, smart and attractive all at the same time.

It's pretty damn difficult.

I won't be surprised to finally have someone to date with, in oh... 5 years time...

Joshua Part 2

What's happening?
Are you gay/bi?
You smile at me. I smile at you. You act like you want to say something, and you always try to.
Are we that close? Or are you just that interested?
Why right: "my name here" is beautiful
And heck. Why call me beautiful? HAHA Funny. It's like you're seeing right through me.
Maybe Dru's right. You are gay/bi and he's just waiting (the same way I am) for you to come out.
I do like you. I just don't know what to do with you. If ever.
I like your red lips.
And I love it when you wear long sleeves.

To Those Who Know Me

I have a reason for hiding my identity.
And it's because I don't want to be found out...

So... If in reading these blogs, and you somehow manage to know me through bits and pieces of information...
I ask only one thing.

Keep it to yourself.

You know how hard it is to adjust. I don't want to be sprung up with a situation I don't know how to handle.

I haven't spoken to anyone in person about coming out. But maybe, when I do find someone to talk to... Who can give me the confidence and understanding... WITHOUT the sex...
Then maybe, I can open myself up eventually.

Joshua

Bicolano accent...
Your typical guy next door look...

Ah Joshua... I don't know why, but I'm starting to like you.
You don't have the body I'm looking for... Nor the face...
I mean you're cute and all.. But I'm looking for more..
It just so happens... That, the way you touch me, is very very wrong.
Are you giving signs? Why be so close most of the time?
Or am I a very reliable friend?

Ah Joshua... I'll miss you when I graduate... I'll miss your smile and your massage...
I don't know how I want you... But I know I want you near me..
Your laugh and facial expressions... I'll miss them dreadfully...

Ah Joshua...

Coming Out Decision 1

I've been debating these past few weeks if I should come out to my guidance counselor or not.

HMM. How secretive are they? Can they really keep secrets?

Pros:

1. If he's bi/gay, then we'll have a blast. Cause he's hot.

2. I get to take out all these repressed emotions on him. Not sexually. Just conversationally. Because honestly, I'm just looking for someone to talk to. Whoever he may be. Preferably someone who has the same dilemma. ANYONE?

3. I get to know my next step: TO COME OUT... OR NOT TO? THAT is the QUESTION.

Cons:

1. If he's shit and he talks about it to others. I'm dead. Not really. I think it'll stay in the office, and it won't go further.

2. He feels uncomfortable about it and asks me to ask someone else.

HAY.

Flirting - How?

How do two guys (or more) flirt with each other?

I really don't know... I kida find it weird, I mean... It's taboo, so how do guys "find their kind?"

I was jogging awhile ago and this hot guy ran past me. So of course I was staring at him, jogging away in all his glory... So I just pretended not to care... Jog along, I go...

Walking out, cause I was done and all... I saw him again, for a few seconds, he was staring at me. I can swear it. What could it mean? I looked, or glanced a couple of times, but not enough to tell him - hey, I like ya. But whatever, maybe I'm just imagining things. Or is that how it works?

Same goes for this one time at the CR. I had this huge crush on this Taekwando dude, who had class before ours. So when I went to the CR to change, I saw him dressed up and ready to go. But for some reason, he looked at me, and took off his upper shirt. Nice 6 pack abs. Chocolate goodness. Question is - why bother undressing all over again? Who does that? So am I imagining the fact that he undressed to what? - impress me? or give me a loose signal that, hey, I like ya.

Maybe I should google this. HAHA.

Not Afraid

Recently, I'm not afraid to send out my face pic. Weird.

I'm usually hesitant to. But it's like: bahala na. I don't give a damn if somebody finds out.

Maybe it's even better that someone does.

So that maybe, that way, I can just go straight to the point:

YEA

That's ME.

SO WHAT?

But heck. If friends are really friends... They should act as such... I hope. I suppose.

Ivler

I have to say...
Jason Ivler looks pretty damn hot!

About Me

If you care enough to actually view this blog... Then maybe you'll be fine learning about me right?

So I'll give ME in a few points:
1. I'm a senior. In a really good university. Somewhere in Katipunan. (there are over 4. minus 1 cause it's all girls. minus another 1, cause it's not good.)
2. I'm ok looking. Not your hunk, nor your pretty boy. But I'm ok.
3. I'm smart. Too cocky, I know. I should learn some humility. But once you get to know the shallow me, I'm humble.
4. I came from an all boys school way back in high school and grade school. And I met the person I fell in love with there. Unrequited of course. Duh, he's an athlete, a heartthrob, a model, and a good friend: Mike, I may not love you as much anymore. But I hope we can be friends.
5. I have a lot of friends. My barkada is composed of straight men. All of which have a hunch I'm gay. Oh wait. There's one bi. But he's not attractive so whatevs. They talk about their girlfriends. I talk about my... nothing. I can't relate when it comes to relationships. I pretend at times that I'm madly into this girl, when really, I just like her cause she's pretty. And worthy to be my wife.
6. I love my family. They have been supportive. But they don't know this about me. They do think I am though. But, I won't confirm. I just, can't.
7. I like Planet Romeo! I was able to find people I can chat with! No holds barred. They get to tell me how to live my life. But it's the common "just be true to yourself" Anyone with a new insight? Like: HIDE IT TILL YOU DIE.
8. I'm scared of meeting people in PR. Seriously. I don't know what I'll get myself into once I do - will my peers find out? Will the guy be, freaky?
9. I'm not in love. Finally. The curse is gone! But it was great while it lasted.
10. I have never: had a girlfriend/boyfriend, kissed a person and anything beyond that, told someone I like them in person, skydived, and died. I need to start living my life, don't you think?

More soon! :)

Pressure and Confusion

It finally came to the point where I am really considering going out of the closet.
It's a mixture of fear and relief once I "take the plunge." But damn, I don't think I have the balls for it.
The dilemma here is this: I want to get married (and I don't care if it's all about how society's just pressuring me to marry...) to a GIRL. No harm in that. I'm a boy, pretty ok looking. Relatively ok body. I'm basically ok. I can get a girl if I want to. I just never did. Too scared perhaps? That when I do find that someone, she'll see me for who I am - GAY.

GAY. I'm still not used to that word. I don't want to be called one. But I am.

It started way back when I was young. I already knew.
I remember, singing to songs by the Spice Girls, or dancing to Madonna... Being teased... So often for being too soft, too girlie. It annoyed the hell out of me. I don't want to be gay. I want to make my momma PROUD. So somewhere along the way, I matured man enough. But not enough for people to stop doubting my sexuality. I like the way I am, the way I act... It's not gay enough, but it gives reason for doubt. It's like I can lure men, at the same time give them a bit of distance...

Getting married. It's so, fairy-tale like. White everywhere. Flowers galore. (I'm not into those things for your information.) But I do want one family: 5 children, hopefully 1 of them is straight to carry on my name. And a wife. A lovely wife: pretty, normal, everything I can ask for. And then somewhere on the sides, a man. Who'd pretend to be my best friend.

So tell me this: Given the fact that I want to get married... How else can I come out? My throats itching to say the words: I'm Bi (I prefer Bi over Gay, ANYTIME) - to my mom, my brother, and my best friends... But come wedding day... They'd be staring at me, and pitying the girl I'd marry. How much love can I give? They might ask. How much?

Why am I even considering? It's simple, really. I've got a clique where every single person is a single straight man.
1. I never had a girlfriend
2. I don't talk about how I masturbate, and the women I masturbate about
3. I don't have a girl I like
4. I "don't do porn" (just to avoid saying I check out a gay website regularly... HAHA)
So they eventually pressured me into coming out. Circling me and telling me - COME OUT. I KNOW YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY. JUST SAY IT NOW. WE'RE SENIORS, IT DOESN'T MATTER TO US, WE'LL STILL LOVE YOU AS A FRIEND.

BUT.
It's no easy task.
I JUST CAN'T YELL IT OUT.

Call me a coward.
Just call me that.

But if you can prove that YOU can get married without this burden on your back. Then MAYBE, I can reconsider my stand.

I don't feel gay about being gay. A cure? or an answer? What do I really need?

Comment please :)