Coming Out Decision 2

So, I've been thinking...
There's this party, where almost everyone I know - everyone who concerns me... will be going.
And I'm here contemplating on whether I should say it or not.
They have been mentioning it for some time...
"Feeling ko may aamin ito bago maggraduate"
"Coming out party mo ata ito eh"
...
So if they've noticed it that much... Shouldn't I just come out clean?
Just get this behind me?
I mean... I'm tired of saying I'm not, when honestly, I am...
WHAT AM I SO AFRAID OF?
If they will love me the way I am, regardless of my orientation?

So, I came up with a speech and it goes:
Someone asks: "So ano nga, bakla ka ba o hinde?"... "Bakla ka ba?"
Me, finally:
I look down. I pause for a few seconds. Look around, check who's intently listening.
I'd ask.
Why do you think I am?
I'll wait for answers...
"Kase wala kang girlfriend"
"Kase medyo babae ka kung kumilos paminsan minsan"
"Kase hindi ka masyadong nagchecheckout ng babae"

And then I'd say...

I have a gay uncle. I can't help it if I come off as gay. It's hard for me to control my actions when I'm predisposed to it. It's really difficult.
I'm effeminate at times. I know that. And it hurts me, and it kills me to say it.
Because I DON'T WANT TO BE SEEN AS GAY.
I WANT TO BE SEEN AS ME.
That's the reason why I can't and I don't want to have a girlfriend at this time.
Because I'm afraid I won't be good enough.
That people would think she's dating a gay guy or a softie.
Or that her life would be ruined because of me.
I'm afraid. Of standing on the aisle looking deep into her eyes, while everyone else would whisper:
"Mali ito. There's something wrong with this. I THOUGHT HE'S GAY."
It's so hard to act and be straight when people already think you're gay.
It's so hard to act gay because I just don't feel like it.
LET whatever it that I do, BE what I do.
Don't interpret it further.
I love you all but this question's KILLING ME.
If you think I'm gay, FINE. It's up to you to decide. I won't be whoever you want me to be.
But I'll tell you this.
I want to get married.
I want to have children.
I want to have my first time, my first kiss, my first fuck with a woman.
I want to wake up in the morning with a woman.
I want to BE WITH A WOMAN.
However.
I cannot deny. I like men too.
So yes. Call me what you want - gay, bisexual, whatever.
Just don't tell it to me in front of my face. Just keep it to yourself.
I beg of you to.

I'll end this with a final glance. Look at how they react.
If they have questions, I'd be happy to answer.
If anything gets uncomfortable.
I'll leave.
And most likely, I won't talk about it ever again.

I'm petrified.
I'm mortified.

WHAT THE HELL WILL HAPPEN NEXT?

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