Not Fleeting

I thought this anger was just a feeling...

It started off with a certain dislike towards him - me not wanting him around - it suddenly turned to me, not wanting to see him smile, not receiving any texts, not engaging in any conversation.

It has come to the point that when I do see him, I'll just acknowledge his presence by a mere nod. And that's it.

I walk away. Not asking how his day was. How he is with work.

Nothing.

I thought this feeling would pass. But no, I truly dislike him.

Most certainly, upon confrontation - if he decides to finally ask if there's something wrong with us - I won't go around in circles.

I'll tell it to him flatout.

Josh. I'm bi. And I'm starting to like you, more than I should. I need to distance myself from you. You can still come over, if you really have to.

Then I'll just leave, speechless.

He'll get the picture.
The things I wouldn't say like - I need to distance myself from you... Because at any second, I might grab your neck and kiss you torridly. Your scent and every graze of your touch arouses me so much that I feel like I could leap out of my skin. You can still come over, if you really have to. But know that if you do, it's not my fault if I turn out to be your first kiss. I just can't resist.

Hai.

WHAT THE F

So, I just posted about how he's not coming over recently... When suddenly, my dog starts barking mad. I look out, and find his smiling face by our doorstep.

MOTHER F.

I just said. Mm.

And that's it. I walked right back to my room. Closed the door, not giving a care in the WORLD what he'll do.

WHAT THE F.

I want to scream right now, I swear.

Drifting Apart

Since last Thursday, I've had difficulty looking at Josh in the eye.

Because.

I hate him.

The reason is simple - I'm getting too over my head thinking he can be mine, when in fact, there's nothing there. I'm putting everything into my perspective of things. And I realized this when at our dinner, with friends, one of them blurted out a girl, I believe, he's dating. I was angry. So much so, that after that, I took one last look at him, then turned cold.

My craving for him just died, just like that. And turned to hate. To a degree, I believe, is too unbearable for him - because he obviously doesn't know what the heck is going on.

Like I mentioned before, he'd drop by our house. Eat. Use the internet. Then leave. But the day after that, he didn't. All the way til Monday. I was hoping he wouldn't drop by, but he did. My heart was pounding like crazy. I wanted to choke him, shout at him to leave. But I couldn't.

He came near my laptop, all smiles. Thinking, we're okay. All I did was raise both my eyebrows twice, a form of acknowledgement. And he just smiled... Our helper asked what food he can eat, because we had no rice left. I told her to look for anything available.

He ate outside, without me in conversation. My door was closed to the world.

He started using the internet by our living room. I came out of my room, looked at him, raised my eyebrows twice again. Went inside. Went to bed. Tried to sleep. But failed.

I was just so angry, I just thought about random things for 4 hours on my bed.

The day that followed, my mom had this padlock policy. Josh doesn't know about it. She told me to tell him. I didn't. He texted me, I looked at him. Put my phone back down. Then went back to what I was doing. He wanted to come over - I pretended I didn't receive his message.

So he didn't come. The morning I replied by saying a cold - Oo andito kami.

The next day, a Wednesday. He texted again. This time. I did not reply.

Afterwards. Nothing. It's like FINALLY he felt there's something wrong. That FINALLY, he has to think twice before texting me anything.

I was - and still am - cold as ice. I can be. And that's one thing people should be afraid of, with me. The moment I realize I don't value you enough, anymore. I'll shut you out. And you wouldn't even know why.

I'm waiting for him to confront me. But it seems that it might take a while longer of no replies.

Doesn't matter. He's pretty much dead to me.

Surprise!

When I started out in PR (Planet Romeo), it was for the sole purpose of getting to know about - the gay life. So to speak.
I got addicted. I logged in a lot more, curious about the different guys - especially after seeing 1 or 2 familiar faces every once in awhile. Also figured that, hey... There are quite a number of hot guys here.
But a familiar face, from church, came as a shock that I just confessed straight away that he was one reason I enjoyed going to church.
Eck.
Laid out all my cards just like that.
But to be honest, he is quite attractive. He reminds of Josh a lot. He resembles him, but is more better looking. And I hope he's not reading this, but if he does, I'd really like to go out with him.
I shared my photo. He was the first person who I shared my secret to. Somebody familiar, not some picture on PR, but somebody I see almost every time I go to church.
Whenever we'd pass by each other, he's just. Quiet. No hint of knowing me - and I to him.

So it came as a surprise, that today. I stepped out of my room, and saw him right there in our living room - with a bunch of other people, because of Church.

Damn.

My heart was racing. I was smiling most of the time because I couldn't believe how bizzare this all seems. But he's there. Again. No hint of knowing me - and I to him.

I came back to my room. Watched my show. Then blogged. Because I can't stop gushing over it.

Francisco Lachowski

I'm obsessing over Francisco Lachowski right now.
He is so damn fiiine.
He's my number one.

If there's somebody I want to be... Or somebody I want to be with... It's him. I swear. I'll rip off his clothes if I meet him in person.

He's just the perfect example of the features I like in a guy.

Go google him if you don't know him yet!