My Realization

So I ended up telling my 2 best friends... and 1 close friend. Sorry I had to distinguish the other 1. Because my revelation to him was not planned. Well it was. Right after I would tell my 2 best friends.

Well anyway.

I came out twice.

First, on my best friend's bed.

(Wait, not what you're thinking)

And second, in our dinner.

(See what I mean?)

But in doing so, I just didn't feel FREE. I thought a burden would just get off of me. But instead, a new friggin stone was replaced for me to drag all over the place.

I CANNOT BELIEVE I JUST CAME OUT.

Seriously.

OH MY GOD.

What came to my mind was simple:

THEY KNOW WHO I AM.

And I'm supposed to be reserved about everything. I'm not open to talking about the guys I like or if I even *you know* about guys! It's just WRONG. For me. With them. Anyway. Or with my friends. I can't answer them as truthfully as I would have wanted because the judgment just lingers there and it's hard to just throw away.

I like them. I trust them. But come on. I can't share so many things about myself. It's not only theirs, it's also MY world we're changing.

If I can go back, I would have rather not said a thing!

I'm starting to even think I'm straight!

I mean think about it.

I have only fallen in love with ONE GUY.

Only ever liked, and I mean seriously liked - 4 GUYS.

Admired lots of course.

But the same would almost be for girls:

Never loved a girl. Yet.

Liked around 6 girls, and I mean the type that I would court. And almost courted some of them by the way.

And still get turned on with their porn!

And the same goes for gay. BUT STILL. My taste in guys is so selective it's almost impossible for me to know who I really am.

I said, I'll go with the flow. Sure. But what if that flow will lead me to a friggin WATERFALL?

Currently, I'm torn.

I like guys, better yet, I like a guy - Joshua. As of now.

But I like girls too - 2 in my office in fact!

And I'm not even selective when it comes to girls. I'm fine with OK LANG. But when it comes to guys, they have to fit a certain mold - a certain level of hotness.

WHAT DID I GET MYSELF INTO?

Now they'll look at me and think - You're wasting that girl's time.

I don't know anymore.

And I'm Out!

January 22, 2011.
I've marked the date.
It was past 12.
Prior to going to my best friend's house for the sleepover, they were badgering me with the same questions - ano ka ba talaga?
And I left without a response. Without denial. Without approval.
But there we were, on my best friend's bed, with another of close friend. We were talking about sexual encounters or something related to that when my close friend just brought it up again -
ANO KA BA TALAGA?
Followed by,
Nagkagusto ka ba sa lalake?
And my answer - I hid under the blanket. I was PETRIFIED. I was shaking. My hands were white. And I really believe I was as pale as a ghost.
I pinched myself. The silence was already too obvious to the 2 of them.
I kept on saying - NANAGINIP BA KO?
Because I was there. I was about to say something that I've kept FOR SO LONG.
Both of them, staring at me. Wanting the concrete response rather than words that made all their questions get shoved to the background.
I had no choice.
But it was what I was expecting for this year.
A year of TRUTH. A TRUE ME.
I said it. Avoiding the word as much as possible. Replacing gay with "ganun" or "whatever."

IT WAS SO DIFFICULT.

But they came through for me. Sadly, they were not shocked. Obviously. I was kinda obvious.
But still. Their reception of me was just reassuring.

Eventually I told them about Mike, then Carlo. Then that's it. I hid so many other things.

We came up with this conclusion:

I lacked confidence.
I was bi, but had a bigger opportunity to be straight.

They missed the part, which I completely left out, that my type of porn was 80% gay.
And that I was sexually attracted to men. And not because I just idolized them.

Did I come out? I'm pretty sure I did.
I told them I'm BI. In whatever way that may be I just said.

I JUST GO WITH THE FLOW.

I just go and LIVE.

Soon, I won't be hiding behind this blog anymore.

You might see my real pic online. With a new account of course.
For what? Just a want to connect. And maybe a bit more, which depends of course.

GOD, I LOVE MY FRIENDS.

Countdown to the Big Day

The Big Day. It's the day when I finally tell my 2 closest friends that I'm bi.

Yes BI. Let's not go overboard by saying I'm gay. It's just way too difficult to accept.
I'd like to think I still have a chance of getting married with a girl, have children with her, and grow old together. It's a nice thought that I'd like to carry with me.
I mean sure, when I go online, I really get turned on with gay sex. Sorry for the brutal honesty. This is the only place I'd be able to say something like this. When you meet me in person, I'm so much more reserved. But I cannot deny the fact that I do get turned on with straight porn too. Not straight boys naked. I mean girls naked.
I'm not confused about who I am anymore. I know who I am. I'm gay-ish.
Yes, gay-ish. Bi because I can like girls. But gay-ish in the sense that I can come off effeminate at times. Which is why I can be obvious to some. I get asked if I'm gay by some people. With the presence of people I know, I can't help but lie and say no. Must be why the "cool" guys in high school, or those who'd be touted as hot or "angas" have a soft heart for me. I'm not too obvious, but they just feel as though they can break down their barriers with me.

I just want somebody to accept that. My entirety. My ability to just love regardless of gender. For me to choose without force. And choose with conviction. It's something I wish to have. And by being BI. By being somebody who's open to relationships with both sexes - with a more direct target on the female gender - I'm opening so much more of the possibilities. It's a precondition for whoever to know that I am who I am. And maybe someone, somewhere out there would be willing to take me. Hold me in her arms and say that she does not care. That she loves me regardless.
And I look into her eyes. With so much gratitude. To tell her - I love you.

Raymond Cabral

Shet. Just found a new celebrity-ish crush. He's name - obviously - Raymond Cabral.
He totally looks like Carlo, the guy I blogged about before.

I bet you searched for him in google na no? Typical.
HAHA.

But seriously, if di pa. GO! You might see his nude photo. Well, I'd like to think that IS his nude photo. You'll get what I mean when you find it.

I don't know why. He looks, OK. Not damn handsome or anything. He's definitely good looking. Not your Matsunaga. or your Pitt. But still! He's got this chinito, very asian look that I love.

Can't get over him yet.

Hay. I wish I could see him in person one day. I'd melt for sure.
If you look like him. Hit me up!