J: Well this is Awkward

Sometimes, it just happens...

I usually open my PR account to "promote" my blog. Basically, gain insight on what posts pique people's interest. But sometimes, I stray away from just "being there" to actually engaging users. I ask how they are, what's up - the works. Every now and then, I'd attach my photo. Most often, I get turned down (I'm just looking to talk damn it). It doesn't bruise my ego as much anymore - maybe I got used to it a bit.

A very - how should I say this - demanding? profile piqued my interest. He had the typical torso-only photo, plus the filtering technique - the usual:
1. Must be good looking ("because I - being the user - am")
2. Must be fit/athletic ("because I am")
3. Must be from a good school ("because I am")
4. Must be intelligent ("because I am")
5. Must be conversational ("because I am")
So really - is he all that? Would I pass 1 and 2? Modesty aside, I know I'd pass 3, 4, 5 :)
I took a chance. I sent my usual "Hey what's up?" + my photo (the best one, since like 3 years ago - sorry guys!). A few minutes later, I got a reply.

I would expect something like - Sorry not interested. But that wasn't the case.

He asked if I go to Fitness First, and with the message he attached a lot of his photos.

Oh fudge he's hot. I was surprised that he was, and that he was engaging me in conversation. This does not happen often.

So I told him I used to go, and that I use my condo gym instead. He was disappointed, and he went on saying that he hasn't gone to the gym for a long time and that he was hoping I could help him out.

Fuck. I have a hot User. Do I want to be used? - I asked myself - I'm not even rich. I went on telling him I can't bring him to our gym. Afterwards, he laid out what he wants from me (or from anyone for that matter). He was looking for workout buddies and for someone who can help him with his "cut credit card." I suggested that he run instead - but he told me he doesn't. But to my surprise, he asked if I wanted to hang out. Hold on - it's 11pm at that time. Nothing good happens by that time.

I googled his profile just to check if it's some fake profile - he came up clean. This, by the way, is something you should do often before meeting people. Just a tip.

I took a deep breath, and sent him my "Sure" message.

He replied with his mobile number plus a lot of fitness related questions like - if I had abs or if I'm muscular - to which I didn't answer. We ended up texting, arguing where we can hang out. Since he was a college student (yea, I'm rationalizing), I took his advice and went to his condo next to La Salle. I waited for him to come out.

I hate Manila. It's so dangerous and dirty. (Sorry!) But at that time, there were a lot of college kids around. So I felt sort of safe. Every now and then I'd look around fearing that some guy would just smile - some guy I have no clue of and would most likely take my cash, or worse, stab me - then run. I was paranoid. I was stupid too. I risk things - it's like I have no value for my life.

I stood there for 15 minutes. Thoughts of whether he's still coming, or that he's seen me already and decided to back out.

He texted soon after, saying that he's on his way down. But F he's late - I hate late. So I took a deep breath, fixed my hair and stood up straight. I can do this - I told myself.

At the corner of my eye - I saw this tall, mestizo-chinito, really fit guy. Could it be him? (I was hoping for a big YES).

YES. It was him. Heading down, he started mumbling - oh fuck. I was getting insults left and right - are you sure you're discreet? You're fat! You don't look like your photo!

But we kept on walking. I was cool with it. It's not like I don't know what I look like right? I know I got fat, but it's not like I'm obese. I'm not muscular like he was, or as white as he was, or even as HOT as he was. Yet here we were - walking to a cab.

When we rode, we decided to go to Makati, to 6750 Starbucks. We chatted a bit. I wasn't much of a talker at that time (possibly because you don't say shit when you meet someone for the first time!). I just held my tongue and decided that this'll be an experience - a learning experience for me.

He was texting non-stop along the way. He was fighting with some texter who threw insults at him like wildfire.

As we lined up for our cup of coffee, his face changed - he looked worried.

I got my usual Chai Tea Latte and sat at a corner. He told me he had a problem - is he bringing up the money thing? - he started off asking how many guys I slept with and when the last time was. He then proceeded to tell me that he thinks he has HIV. Apparently, the guy he was texting dropped a bomb on him (but why now?!).

I told him - guys usually do that for revenge. I did that before just to shut some guy down. Really sorry if this is insensitive by the way.

He wanted to talk some more. In private. I mean, I understand - things like this would drive me crazy too. I told him my condo's free for the night and that we could talk there. He agreed, and we took a cab to my place.

He rationalized how the texter could be right. I sorta get his point. He vented out about his past relationships. Then eventually, he just calmed down and accepted it. Whether he has one or not - it's not the end of the world. That's true. There's nothing else he can do at that point, at that night.

He just sat on my bed - calmer this time. I took out my Bacardi, put some in a glass and added water - like whiskey or scotch (not good with my alcohol. Sorry). I sat next to him, drank half of the glass.

We talked about alcohol. We talked about social media. We talked about his work, his dreams, his LIFE. And I told him mine. I've never met someone so engaged in conversation. But even then, there were times I'd drift away just staring at his face. He's so. Hot.

It was awkward. How we were positioned - his head resting near my lap. He asked - why haven't you hugged me yet? I joked by hugging his torso. "But this is a 69 hug!" He joked back. I re-positioned myself and lied next to him. I looked at his face, while he was staring back. I wrapped my arm around him. And he did the same to me. At that moment, in that one moment - everything was peaceful. This never happened before. Someone I actually like. But someone I'm not worthy of. Why? I kept on asking myself. What's happening? I doubted his intentions. But my brain just snapped.

For some reason, we trusted each other at that moment. And before I knew it, the sun was up. 6am. I haven't slept yet. And I have work.

He, on the other hand, fell sound asleep. I went on preparing for work - took a bath, dressed up, and sat next to his sleeping body. I whispered to him that we had to go.

He didn't want me to. He asked me to call up the office and say that I'm sick. He wanted me to stay. Oh my gosh. Seriously - I asked myself - what's happening?

Why on earth would someone like him like me? I don't understand. It's not logical. And I'm a very VERY logical person. Sometimes too logical that I barely have any actual emotions - just fake ones.

I told him I couldn't stay. So we had our breakfast and decided to head on our separate ways. But before he grabbed the cab's door, he told me he wanted to see me again that night.

Oh fuck. Seriously? I'd love to (I told myself). But I told him, shyly, we'll see.

And the many times after my First

I regretted my decision before. I hooked up without a third thought - I say third because I may have been hesitant at first. Like I said before, I was supposed to meet somebody through PR but then again, somebody else came along. I wanted to be done with it - the whole First Kiss, First Intimate moment. I've done it, and I regretted it. So much.

But I didn't stop there. After a few days, weeks perhaps. No, months - I discovered something that brought me waves of, hmm. Fun. I got an iPhone. And with an iPhone, what do you think gay people use 80% of their mobile time?

Grindr. Scruff. PR (mobile haha!) and so many other hook-up/get-to-know other gay apps.

And with this, my mind exploded (so did all the other stuff down there). With my own place (well, technically I'm sharing with my friends - who most of the time aren't around), and with the app - it's like, yea you know what I mean.

I've done my first fuck.
I got sucked in public.
Flirted, got kinky at my own place with some neighbors.

I'd love to tell you more. But I'm tired. I have around 2 years to fill-in as the gap of my gay life.

Avoiding Fiction

I miss blogging. And apparently, by just posting my website through Planet Romeo, I actually got a good number of readers. So sorry I went away.

I'm back though, and I've got a new plan for you. How about this, you let me know who you like then let's set a story in motion. Visit http://antifictionalisticworld.blogspot.com/ and give me the details.

Let's set your story straight (ish).