Coming Out Decision 2

So, I've been thinking...
There's this party, where almost everyone I know - everyone who concerns me... will be going.
And I'm here contemplating on whether I should say it or not.
They have been mentioning it for some time...
"Feeling ko may aamin ito bago maggraduate"
"Coming out party mo ata ito eh"
...
So if they've noticed it that much... Shouldn't I just come out clean?
Just get this behind me?
I mean... I'm tired of saying I'm not, when honestly, I am...
WHAT AM I SO AFRAID OF?
If they will love me the way I am, regardless of my orientation?

So, I came up with a speech and it goes:
Someone asks: "So ano nga, bakla ka ba o hinde?"... "Bakla ka ba?"
Me, finally:
I look down. I pause for a few seconds. Look around, check who's intently listening.
I'd ask.
Why do you think I am?
I'll wait for answers...
"Kase wala kang girlfriend"
"Kase medyo babae ka kung kumilos paminsan minsan"
"Kase hindi ka masyadong nagchecheckout ng babae"

And then I'd say...

I have a gay uncle. I can't help it if I come off as gay. It's hard for me to control my actions when I'm predisposed to it. It's really difficult.
I'm effeminate at times. I know that. And it hurts me, and it kills me to say it.
Because I DON'T WANT TO BE SEEN AS GAY.
I WANT TO BE SEEN AS ME.
That's the reason why I can't and I don't want to have a girlfriend at this time.
Because I'm afraid I won't be good enough.
That people would think she's dating a gay guy or a softie.
Or that her life would be ruined because of me.
I'm afraid. Of standing on the aisle looking deep into her eyes, while everyone else would whisper:
"Mali ito. There's something wrong with this. I THOUGHT HE'S GAY."
It's so hard to act and be straight when people already think you're gay.
It's so hard to act gay because I just don't feel like it.
LET whatever it that I do, BE what I do.
Don't interpret it further.
I love you all but this question's KILLING ME.
If you think I'm gay, FINE. It's up to you to decide. I won't be whoever you want me to be.
But I'll tell you this.
I want to get married.
I want to have children.
I want to have my first time, my first kiss, my first fuck with a woman.
I want to wake up in the morning with a woman.
I want to BE WITH A WOMAN.
However.
I cannot deny. I like men too.
So yes. Call me what you want - gay, bisexual, whatever.
Just don't tell it to me in front of my face. Just keep it to yourself.
I beg of you to.

I'll end this with a final glance. Look at how they react.
If they have questions, I'd be happy to answer.
If anything gets uncomfortable.
I'll leave.
And most likely, I won't talk about it ever again.

I'm petrified.
I'm mortified.

WHAT THE HELL WILL HAPPEN NEXT?

F
U
C
K

Joshua 4

I guess I'm delusional in thinking way too much about everything you do.
You're charming, so I know a lot of girls like you (but why aren't you making a move on them?)
You're attractive despite your growing tummy... It doesn't bother me.
Which is something I believe is a rarity.
Cause you're really not my type.
I like them ripped...
But you're everything else except that.
Plus I'm taller than you by over 2 inches.

I poked your tummy and you called me gay.
I wonder. If I said I was... Gay over you...
How would you react? A kiss on my cheek or a steal towards my lips?
It's unfair cause you touch my chest and abs more often than I touch you. In fact. I don't touch you.
So you get the right to... And I don't...

You're straight. And maybe somewhere along the way, you've gotten curious.
You make me curious now.

What can I do to make it come out?
What can I do to make you say you like me?
Because I have no intention of doing so.
So it's really up to you.

I don't care if by the time I leave school, I won't see you again. Or I hardly will.
Puppy love bites.

Joshua 3

What's happening?
I'm not fond of texting or chatting too long. But for some reason, I find it ok with you.
And why do you text me or chat me up for no good reason?
DOTA! - Haha. What reply were you expecting?
Want a one-on-one?
Hmm.
You're making me like you more and more because you're making me believe that there's a possibility.
The way you stand so close to me.
The way you wrap your arms over my shoulder.
The way you stare and smile.
The way you talk like you're nervous.
The way you want me to smile.
The way you choose to hang out with me more than others.

What's going on?
I'm creating a blog session entirely out of you.

Campus Hotties

Being in a really prestigious school has its perks. Aside from quality education, there's a downpour of 8-10/10 girls... and boys.

The girls wear their short skits revealing their nice long legs... I love legs. I had a crush on a girl just because I saw her legs, she's not so pretty though. But still, nice long and lean legs are my thing. I also love it when their hair's all ruffled. I don't like it straight cause it makes them look boring.

BOYS. If there are two hotties - a girl and a boy standing together. I'd pick the boy over the girl, anytime. I actually have two couple crushes (def. a beautiful couple, the boy's hot and the girl's hot so they match): my former love and his delicious girlfriend and these two others. Hmm.

So campus hotties... I usually hangout in just one place so I tend to not see all the glory and beauty that God has made.

It's just that recently, as I was walking around campus, I've seen sooo many hot men passing by - not to mention girls too. All pearl-skinned and glorious.

Having seen some hot guys in Planet Romeo... I've been thinking... There must be around a 60+% chance that they're gay. Right? Colorful shirts... Shades... Skinny jeans... Gym buffed and lean...

Something's not right.

I wonder if they do it with each other?

HMM

Just a thought.

Dates

I wonder... When will the right time be for me to accept dates?

I'm rather insecure about myself, so maybe that can be a hindrance.

After all, guy or girl... I've never been in one.

And it's scary to have a guy on guy date. Who knows what the hell he's thinking right?

Sex ain't my thing yet. Unless he's super hot of course... I'll consider it. With hesitations.

Should I try dating a girl first? How does this go?

Should I be the one asking someone out? Or should he?

Obviously, I'd be asking a girl out. But a guy? How does that work?

Sometimes this lifestyle is just way too difficult.

Double life. That's what I'm taking up.

So if I'm out there, on the streets... Should I be paranoid that at least one person knows me (and will eventually tell the world that I'm dating a guy)?

Date through Planetromeo?

Scary.

STD's and Maniacs are lurking all over.

That's why I'm looking for someone decent, smart and attractive all at the same time.

It's pretty damn difficult.

I won't be surprised to finally have someone to date with, in oh... 5 years time...

Joshua Part 2

What's happening?
Are you gay/bi?
You smile at me. I smile at you. You act like you want to say something, and you always try to.
Are we that close? Or are you just that interested?
Why right: "my name here" is beautiful
And heck. Why call me beautiful? HAHA Funny. It's like you're seeing right through me.
Maybe Dru's right. You are gay/bi and he's just waiting (the same way I am) for you to come out.
I do like you. I just don't know what to do with you. If ever.
I like your red lips.
And I love it when you wear long sleeves.

To Those Who Know Me

I have a reason for hiding my identity.
And it's because I don't want to be found out...

So... If in reading these blogs, and you somehow manage to know me through bits and pieces of information...
I ask only one thing.

Keep it to yourself.

You know how hard it is to adjust. I don't want to be sprung up with a situation I don't know how to handle.

I haven't spoken to anyone in person about coming out. But maybe, when I do find someone to talk to... Who can give me the confidence and understanding... WITHOUT the sex...
Then maybe, I can open myself up eventually.

Joshua

Bicolano accent...
Your typical guy next door look...

Ah Joshua... I don't know why, but I'm starting to like you.
You don't have the body I'm looking for... Nor the face...
I mean you're cute and all.. But I'm looking for more..
It just so happens... That, the way you touch me, is very very wrong.
Are you giving signs? Why be so close most of the time?
Or am I a very reliable friend?

Ah Joshua... I'll miss you when I graduate... I'll miss your smile and your massage...
I don't know how I want you... But I know I want you near me..
Your laugh and facial expressions... I'll miss them dreadfully...

Ah Joshua...