Time is Now

Fact is, I'm just waiting for someone to ask.
I'm ready to say it out loud.

Half petrified of course.

Half dignified.

Of Love and Likes

So, I've been blogging about this guy I've liked ever since I've started - Joshua.

He's really cute, but somehow, somewhere along the way, I just like staring at him and getting touched by him. And that's all there is.

He calls me gay. So, it kind of pisses me of.

Because of that, I'm not going to insert my imagination to every single thing he does.

I'm done pretending.

I'd rather not be wanting someone who I know doesn't want me back.

Know is such a big word. Let's try: I believe, doesn't want me back.

That chapter's over, now that I'm graduating...

Much the same way I've ended the biggest love chapter in my life - Mike. Mike M.

Finally, I said it.

It's there. It's all out. If you know him, be discreet about this.

Ever since I saw him when I was in grade school - grade 6 I believe, he was talking to a former classmate of mine. He was right in front of me. Talking to him. I was with my two other friends. He doesn't know me. I didn't even know his name.

All I know was - my heart was beating so fast, I couldn't believe it.

What the hell was happening? I asked myself. And I assured myself somehow, it must be love.

He'd hang around the caf-gym, I'd pass by the place just to see his face.

His beautifully sculpted face, lean and long body, white to tan-ish skin, and mestizo looks... He was everything I dream of in a man.

I knew his name eventually, a year later.

I was going down the stairs, he was going up. We had name patches then, so I got a glimpse of it. Michael M.

He was somehow, my obsession. I was - in love. I'd just stare at this pictures for minutes a day, imagining... and imagining... Scenarios where we'd meet up and introduce himself. Scenarios where we'd kiss.

He eventually became my classmate, my seat mate, my close friend. I fell in love with him even more.

I found out he was smart... and very romantic. After all, he confided in me all his yearning for this girl he liked. It didn't hurt me, in fact I loved it when we talked about her. We'd get closer that way. When I had info on her, I'd make him wait and beg. I wanted the whole world to see we were close.

From all the waiting, he begged once... he went to my classroom, when class was about to start... Everyone saw how intently we talked. They suspected we were together. I loved it.

Even if it's false, at least I felt like there's a doubt hovering up ahead. A chance. A something.

When rumors spread across campus about me liking him (which was not true - because I was LOVING him)... We fell apart. Plus the fact that we were not class mates anymore. We hardly talked. I avoided him even more.

What's the point in loving someone who doesn't love you back?

No last goodbyes then. Nothing.

All I did was simple.

I made a yahoo account - plantedmonitor (which I use heavily for gay-ish deeds)... And confessed my love for him. And no, I didn't say who I was. All I said in the end was this:

"I don't want you to know me. I just want you to know that someone's in love with you."

I thought I was free. Come college. He's back in my life. But not so much. Different courses, different friends and a giant campus don't make failed friendships work. He talks to me every now and then. I answer. I don't initiate. I never did. He always starts the conversation.

So now. Nearing graduation. After Pabaon.

He asked me... And I remember it so clearly. And I'd like to blog this for me to remember:

Oi, musta na?

Ok naman.

Ano na plano mo after? Nagpass ka na ng mga resumes mo?

Ummm... Oo, dun sa job fair.

San mo balak magtrabaho?

Sa mga MNC's yung mga ganun...

Ah, sige, good luck!

Kaw rin.

I walked away. Still dazed and confused. A short conversation, but nevertheless meaningful.

Good luck.

Kaw rin.

Good luck.

Kaw rin.

It signals the end. We bid farewell wishing each other luck.

I promised myself this morning. Our last conversation won't be like this. No, it won't. It's going to be this:

Oi, musta na? May sasabihin ako sayo.

O, ano?

Way back then, nung naggraduate tayo ng high school. May nagsend sayo ng email. Plantedmonitor.

-he stares blankly at me-

Three scenarios:

1. He punches me

2. He walks away, silent

3. He asks me

I can go with 2 and 3. I don't want 1. I don't want a scandal.

Hopefully, this last encounter does happen.

I'm willing to risk it all. Even if it means, through this. I'd be coming out.

BAHALA NA.