Coming Out Decision 1

I've been debating these past few weeks if I should come out to my guidance counselor or not.

HMM. How secretive are they? Can they really keep secrets?

Pros:

1. If he's bi/gay, then we'll have a blast. Cause he's hot.

2. I get to take out all these repressed emotions on him. Not sexually. Just conversationally. Because honestly, I'm just looking for someone to talk to. Whoever he may be. Preferably someone who has the same dilemma. ANYONE?

3. I get to know my next step: TO COME OUT... OR NOT TO? THAT is the QUESTION.

Cons:

1. If he's shit and he talks about it to others. I'm dead. Not really. I think it'll stay in the office, and it won't go further.

2. He feels uncomfortable about it and asks me to ask someone else.

HAY.

Flirting - How?

How do two guys (or more) flirt with each other?

I really don't know... I kida find it weird, I mean... It's taboo, so how do guys "find their kind?"

I was jogging awhile ago and this hot guy ran past me. So of course I was staring at him, jogging away in all his glory... So I just pretended not to care... Jog along, I go...

Walking out, cause I was done and all... I saw him again, for a few seconds, he was staring at me. I can swear it. What could it mean? I looked, or glanced a couple of times, but not enough to tell him - hey, I like ya. But whatever, maybe I'm just imagining things. Or is that how it works?

Same goes for this one time at the CR. I had this huge crush on this Taekwando dude, who had class before ours. So when I went to the CR to change, I saw him dressed up and ready to go. But for some reason, he looked at me, and took off his upper shirt. Nice 6 pack abs. Chocolate goodness. Question is - why bother undressing all over again? Who does that? So am I imagining the fact that he undressed to what? - impress me? or give me a loose signal that, hey, I like ya.

Maybe I should google this. HAHA.

Not Afraid

Recently, I'm not afraid to send out my face pic. Weird.

I'm usually hesitant to. But it's like: bahala na. I don't give a damn if somebody finds out.

Maybe it's even better that someone does.

So that maybe, that way, I can just go straight to the point:

YEA

That's ME.

SO WHAT?

But heck. If friends are really friends... They should act as such... I hope. I suppose.

Ivler

I have to say...
Jason Ivler looks pretty damn hot!

About Me

If you care enough to actually view this blog... Then maybe you'll be fine learning about me right?

So I'll give ME in a few points:
1. I'm a senior. In a really good university. Somewhere in Katipunan. (there are over 4. minus 1 cause it's all girls. minus another 1, cause it's not good.)
2. I'm ok looking. Not your hunk, nor your pretty boy. But I'm ok.
3. I'm smart. Too cocky, I know. I should learn some humility. But once you get to know the shallow me, I'm humble.
4. I came from an all boys school way back in high school and grade school. And I met the person I fell in love with there. Unrequited of course. Duh, he's an athlete, a heartthrob, a model, and a good friend: Mike, I may not love you as much anymore. But I hope we can be friends.
5. I have a lot of friends. My barkada is composed of straight men. All of which have a hunch I'm gay. Oh wait. There's one bi. But he's not attractive so whatevs. They talk about their girlfriends. I talk about my... nothing. I can't relate when it comes to relationships. I pretend at times that I'm madly into this girl, when really, I just like her cause she's pretty. And worthy to be my wife.
6. I love my family. They have been supportive. But they don't know this about me. They do think I am though. But, I won't confirm. I just, can't.
7. I like Planet Romeo! I was able to find people I can chat with! No holds barred. They get to tell me how to live my life. But it's the common "just be true to yourself" Anyone with a new insight? Like: HIDE IT TILL YOU DIE.
8. I'm scared of meeting people in PR. Seriously. I don't know what I'll get myself into once I do - will my peers find out? Will the guy be, freaky?
9. I'm not in love. Finally. The curse is gone! But it was great while it lasted.
10. I have never: had a girlfriend/boyfriend, kissed a person and anything beyond that, told someone I like them in person, skydived, and died. I need to start living my life, don't you think?

More soon! :)

Pressure and Confusion

It finally came to the point where I am really considering going out of the closet.
It's a mixture of fear and relief once I "take the plunge." But damn, I don't think I have the balls for it.
The dilemma here is this: I want to get married (and I don't care if it's all about how society's just pressuring me to marry...) to a GIRL. No harm in that. I'm a boy, pretty ok looking. Relatively ok body. I'm basically ok. I can get a girl if I want to. I just never did. Too scared perhaps? That when I do find that someone, she'll see me for who I am - GAY.

GAY. I'm still not used to that word. I don't want to be called one. But I am.

It started way back when I was young. I already knew.
I remember, singing to songs by the Spice Girls, or dancing to Madonna... Being teased... So often for being too soft, too girlie. It annoyed the hell out of me. I don't want to be gay. I want to make my momma PROUD. So somewhere along the way, I matured man enough. But not enough for people to stop doubting my sexuality. I like the way I am, the way I act... It's not gay enough, but it gives reason for doubt. It's like I can lure men, at the same time give them a bit of distance...

Getting married. It's so, fairy-tale like. White everywhere. Flowers galore. (I'm not into those things for your information.) But I do want one family: 5 children, hopefully 1 of them is straight to carry on my name. And a wife. A lovely wife: pretty, normal, everything I can ask for. And then somewhere on the sides, a man. Who'd pretend to be my best friend.

So tell me this: Given the fact that I want to get married... How else can I come out? My throats itching to say the words: I'm Bi (I prefer Bi over Gay, ANYTIME) - to my mom, my brother, and my best friends... But come wedding day... They'd be staring at me, and pitying the girl I'd marry. How much love can I give? They might ask. How much?

Why am I even considering? It's simple, really. I've got a clique where every single person is a single straight man.
1. I never had a girlfriend
2. I don't talk about how I masturbate, and the women I masturbate about
3. I don't have a girl I like
4. I "don't do porn" (just to avoid saying I check out a gay website regularly... HAHA)
So they eventually pressured me into coming out. Circling me and telling me - COME OUT. I KNOW YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY. JUST SAY IT NOW. WE'RE SENIORS, IT DOESN'T MATTER TO US, WE'LL STILL LOVE YOU AS A FRIEND.

BUT.
It's no easy task.
I JUST CAN'T YELL IT OUT.

Call me a coward.
Just call me that.

But if you can prove that YOU can get married without this burden on your back. Then MAYBE, I can reconsider my stand.

I don't feel gay about being gay. A cure? or an answer? What do I really need?

Comment please :)